By Amy McCarthy and Jaime-Paul Falcon
Bars, clubs, and music venues are generally great places to be, especially when you factor in copious amounts of alcohol and loud live music. Still, there are plenty of people in Dallas who are dead-set on harshing your mellow while you're taking in a show at Club Dada or drinking at Twilite Lounge.
There's no question that most of us spend too much time out at the bar, which means that you've inevitably run into these 15 people in the pursuit of a drunkenness and a good time. It is also likely that you fall into one of these categories, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing or an indictment of your character. Just know that we've got your number, Dallas.
Was at the Nirvana show at the original Trees, can tell you all about it. This guy remembers every setlist, every broken guitar string and every time the Toadies have ever played in Dallas. Don't even bother challenging his musical knowledge; he's honed these skills for years on local blogs and Reddit.
Usually found: Twilite Lounge, Lakewood Landing
The Club Promoter
This guy is somehow managing to make a living even though he hasn't had a job in at least six years. His "job description" is apparently to send endless Facebook invites for DJ nights, drink specials and live music to his 4,000 Facebook friends. Club Promoter can likely not get you into any actual clubs for free, despite his claims otherwise.
Usually found: Plush, Crown & Harp
Has a really rad show at a taqueria next week; you should go. All proceeds go to a vegan feminist cat rescue. Was probably born long after punk was dead, but insists on telling you all about how the genre revolutionized music forever. Keeps punk politics alive by living in his mother's spare garden apartment in Highland Park.
Usually Found: Serious Pizza, Club Dada
Those people who are holding notebooks and jotting down notes even though its too dark to see what they're writing. Very possibly conspicuously alone (or with other journalists) and slightly surly seeming because, hey, making friends is hard and who has time for that when your finger's on the pulse of the nightlife? Probably looking awkward at the after party because they weren't actually invited and didn't get the hint. Also fighting each other on Twitter about shit no one else bothered to read.
Usually Found: Everywhere, please buy us drinks
The Yuppie Parent
They're out there enjoying a night out while Avery/Taylor/Tristian/Madison/Peyton/Hunter, etc. RUIN THE FUCK out of everyone else's day by running around and causing absolute havoc because Dad is on craft beer four and Mom is trying to finish her wine. Because these people forgot that condoms exist you're going to have to find a new place to hang out with your friends, and realize that you're one drunken night away from joining their ranks.
Usually Found: Ruining your meal at The Foundry, or Truck Yard
Out on a Friday night at the most exciting place they know of, McFadden's. Getting so turnt up to all the hottest music from six months ago and pounding Fireball shots like it's Jager and we're still in 2008. They will probably try to smoke a joint of crap weed stolen from their teenager in the parking lot and furiously put it out every time a Dallas cop goes by.
Usually found: Addison
The Guy Who You Need to Watch Your Drink Around
Listen, we make a lot of jokes; it's sort of our thing. But this time we're serious. There are terrible human beings out there who do things that are horrendous, and they tend to be out and about in the nightlife. You should watch out for these assholes, and always remember to keep an eye on your drinks, and that there's safety in numbers.
Usually Found: Anywhere women may be
The Tech Bro
Has more money than he knows what to do with, spends it on cars he doesn't really know how to drive and is endlessly trying to outdo his friends with incessant Untapped App check-ins. When he's not bugging the shit out of you about beer, he's scamming twenty-somethings on Tinder. We're not going to make another MRA joke. That's too easy. But he may also care deeply about ethics in video game journalism.
Usually Found: Gingerman, The Flying Saucer, Holy Grail
The Fancy Drinks Crew
They can't just order a damn drink without perusing the menu for an hour and asking the busy-ass bartender 50 goddamn questions. We know that you desperately just want to order another Miller High Life, but this guy really needs to know whether or not the bitters in his Negroni are artisanally made. A special sub-breed of this asshole lives in Denton, hangs out at "The Midlake Bar" and insists that it is actually 1914 with their fashion choices.
Usually Found: Paying for valet at the "underground speakeasy," asking the bartender about how they make their artisanal ice balls
The socialite differs from the Fancy Drinker in one major way: They don't know what the fuck they're drinking. All they know is that they like expensive cocktails, especially if the bartender is wearing a fedora. You can usually find them asking the bartender to make them something "fancy and fruity," and slugging Veuve Cliquot like it's Natty Lite.
Usually Found: Galas, The Mansion Bar, and D Magazine functions
The Drug Dealer
$40 make you holler, likely at the police because either the Molly or the coke was cut with something you should never ingest. This fine upstanding gentleman laughs to himself while counting your money and reading the story about crazed antics of a wrongly dosed twenty-something who led police on a low speed chase when they stole a pizza delivery truck while dressed as a banana.
Usually Found: It'll Do, wandering around Deep Ellum
The Drunk Girl
Will annoy the living hell out of you, her friends, the bartender, her significant other, the cop who arrested her, her parents and eventually a judge, but not before ordering 16 shots of Tuaca and trying to take her top off. Daddy's money will get her off that inevitable drunk driving charge, but she'll have to suffer the indignity of an in-car breathalyzer for most of her late 20s.
Usually Found: Well, everywhere
The Drunk Guy
Similar to the Drunk Girl, but with lots more fighting and homophobic slurs. Drunk Guy has probably been at it since noon and just graduated to taking Fireball shots with a bunch of 21-year olds. Drunk Guy is assuredly getting kicked out of the bar, but probably not until he pees himself on the barstool and calls your girlfriend a whore.
Usually Found: Anywhere Drunk Girl is
Big Jon Daniel
Jon Daniel is the tall guy holding a drink at every show you go to, he's funny, fun to talk to, and he'll hijack a Twitter thread in an instant. Unlike most people on here we're always excited to see him out. Before you head out for the night, tweet the man and ask for parking directions. He'll love that.
Usually Found: Literally everywhere at once. We're pretty sure Jon managed to clone himself in a hilarious Multiplicity accident, or he's unstuck in time and exists in all places at once. He will one day save humanity via Morse Code delivered via black hole
The SMU Bro
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The SMU Bro is, like, really into indie bands like the Black Keys and spent a lot of time drinking at Milo Butterfinger's before cutting in front of you in line. He is likely wearing a vest, yelling loudly and will probably end up puking on you or his date before the night is over. Keep a wide berth.
Usually found: Anywhere on Lower Greenville
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