The 2015 Texas Rangers At-Bat Songs, Ranked

Don't mess with Texas, or our Rangers' batter ditties. (That's right, we said batter ditties.)
Don't mess with Texas, or our Rangers' batter ditties. (That's right, we said batter ditties.)
Maegen Puetz

One of the coolest and strangest aspects of baseball is the batter ditty. The batter ditty is the song that blares through the stadium surround sound as the player walks up to home plate before the fail, because failure is common in baseball, which makes it the most realistic sports game. You're pretty good if you fail seven times out of 10 when batting at baseball.

Well, anyways, we figured it might be fun to rank the Rangers' batter ditties -- known to commoners as "walk-up songs" or "at-bat songs" -- and I'll tell you what, most of them are bad and the Texas Rangers have bad taste in music. It's mostly contemporary pop hits, reggaeton or otherwise. However there are a few gems in Metallica, gritty Daddy Yankee and an Al Green song, which almost wash away the sins of Christian rock, Chris Brown and Tyga. Almost.

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14. Shin-Soo Choo, RF: "Goody Boy" - GD X Taeyang

This is easily the most grating pop song I've heard in all of 2015. This song is just a bunch of noise and it physically hurts to hear. Seriously, this is a mixture of K-Pop and trap music and the worst type of "urban pop." Chris Brown and Tyga all over again, but for Asian audiences. This song gets 5,000 thumbs down.

13. Robinson Chirinos, C: "Nothing Is Impossible" Planetshakers

Nothing is impossible? I believe it, because apparently the people who enjoy this song don't just include the band and their mothers. Is this Christian rock? *Googles Planetshakers* Yes, it is Christian rock.

12. Carlos Corporan, C: "Good Life" One Republic

Carlos Corpran has a career batting average of .226 as of the writing of this blog post. Yes, correlation does not mean causation, but choosing mediocre music that's softer than the legal system on drunk driving celebrities to get you pumped to swing a bat at a 90 mph fastball isn't helping anyone.

11. Yovani Gallardo, SP: "My Time" Fabolous

These are the opening bars on the first verse of this song: "Guess what time it is? My, my, my time/You can check your iPhone, bet it say it's iTime." Langston Hughes, it ain't.

10. Adam Rosales, 1B: "Ants Marching" - Dave Matthews Band

It's Dave Mathews Band, which gets a bad wrap because there's nothing particularly interesting about Dave Matthews or his band, but boring is better than bad, or at least I think so. And Dave Matthews is objectively better than another pleated pants and croakies favorite: Jack Johnson.

9. Adrian Beltre, 3B: "Pa Que Retozen" Tego Calderon

Reggaeton isn't necessarily bad, but nearly of all of the reggaeton songs sound the exact same. I challenge anybody who doesn't speak Spanish to Pepsi vs. Coke challenge this and try to tell the difference between this reggaeton song and four others.

8. Ryan Rua, LF: "AYO" - Chris Brown & Tyga /"Go Getta" Young Jeezy

Notwithstanding that Tyga is a known and admitted pedophile and that Chris Brown is a known careerist asshole and criminal, this song is terrible. This is a boilerplate pop song that was made to soundtrack the worst spring breakers chugging their sixth Keystone Lite at 3 p.m. at some beach in the Southern region of the United States that turns into hell for a few weeks. Ryan Rua should be fined, but his choice of a Young Jeezy song (one that features a known pedophile), saves him from what would be dead last on this arbitrary list.

 

7. Ross Detwiler, SP "Wherever I May Roam" Metallica

Is it any surprise to you that a guy named Ross Detwiler chose a Metallica song to represent him? Also, like a jersey number, pitchers using Metallica songs should be retired now that Mariano Rivera is done and headed to Cooperstown soon. Hell, there's always Slayer, Ross.

6. Leonys Martin, CF: "EL Mejor De Todos S Los Tiempo" Daddy Yankee

Daddy Yankee sounds like he might be the Puerto Rican Jadakiss here. This is a particularly gritty song, which it's worth noting that Leonys Martin hits in the one spot, so leading off with this is what starts the order. It's setting the tone and kind of matches the Rangers' style of play. There's an argument to be made that Puerto Ricans had a large part in the creation of New York City hip-hop but lack visibility or recognition in the American wing of the genre, but I will leave the sanctimonious rap scholar blogging for another day.

5. Neftali Feliz, RP: "Secrecto" El Famoso Biberon

This here is an interesting twist on the reggaeton genre, and kind of has a dark and sinister wink and nudge going, which is fun for a genre that typically exists solely to play as a background to hedonism. Admittedly, I have no clue what the song is about, but it sounds like a ton of fun in a different way and its urgency is enticing.

4. Rougned Odor, 2B: "Travesuras" - Nicky Jam

Another reggaeton song with the same exact drum pattern as the other hundreds of thousands, but this song has some nice melodies going for it and also has 168 million views on YouTube so there's obviously something kind of special about this number. For perspective, "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga has 149 million views on Youtube.

3. Elvis Andrus, SS: "Let's Stay Together" Al Green; "Blame" Calvin Harris; "Como Yo LeDoy" Pitbull ft. Don Miguelo

"Let's Stay Together" is a fantastic staple in the canon of American pop music and "Blame" is a song we'll forget existed in three years tops, though it's not bad or anything like that. It's like a hamburger that's just a beef patty and buns. Kind of plain and bland, but will ultimately get the job done. However, there is a Pitbull song in the mix and in general, Pitbull is terrible and no good, but this song is somewhere between bearable and enjoyable.

2. Prince Fielder, 1B - Nuclear Warning System Siren

This is an arrogant troll move and I love it. When you're biggest bat in the lineup, and have earned your keep as one of the best power hitters in all of baseball, you get to do this. Imagine a runner on second base in the bottom of the 9th with two out during a tied ball game and

THIS

starts to play at Ranger Stadium as Fielder walks up to home plate beaming with confidence. The fans go wild. Fielder knocks the runner in. The crowd goes more wild. I approve of this non-song.

1. Delino DeShields Jr., LF: "Where The Party At" - Jagged Edge; "Trap Queen" Fetty Wap

"Trap Queen" is an okay song that is very popular right now. But, "Where the Party At" might just be the best song. Once that guitar hits in the very beginning you start shaking your ass -- it's a purely Pavlovian response -- and then you hear "Ut Ohhhhhh" and you've found the party, you've become the party. The party is at you and now you're dancing like either Michael Jackson or Elaine Benes, depending on where your rhythm at.

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