So the Rolling Stones have announced their first large tour in 6 years, and their "50 And Counting" jaunt will see them stop in nine cities across North America. This is borderline amazing considering that Keith Richards and Mick Jagger are 69 and CHARLIE WATTS IS 71 FREAKING YEARS OLD. Can you imagine playing rock music and partying non-stop for 50 years? Do you realize what that would do to your very appearance? You could try imagining this, or you could just look at a picture of Keith Richards. On second thoughts, don't do it. There's no need.
The prices for the tour are expected to be astronomical, what with prices for their short 2012 stint averaging around $530. To steal a joke from British comic Viz, you could get much the same effect as attending one of the concerts by watching your grandfather play guitar from three miles away while burning your life savings.
The fact is that many of their fans have reached retirement and are living on a fixed income, so we think that there needs to be a some sort of Senior Discount. In fact we've noticed many other legendary bands are touring and charging prices that would make a billionaire blush, despite the law of diminishing returns and the problems inherent in trying to "rock out" when you're reliant on medication, oxygen, and narcotics, not necessarily in that order. Here are eight other acts that need to take immediate steps to cater for their older fanbase.
8. The Who Some of us will have the shirtless visage of Roger Daltrey's performance at the Concert for Sandy Relief permanently burned into our minds till the day we die. How a man his age finds the energy to hit the gym and the tanning bed we'll never know. Throw in Pete Townsend's creepy uncle tendencies and the fact that he and Daltrey are the only original members performing and you kind of don't want to pay $300 for a bad view and strained vocals. --Jaime-Paul Falcon
7. Bruce Springsteen We have nothing bad to say about a man who reportedly shows up at sound check to play full acoustic sets and then plays none stop for 3 hours every night. We are, however, quite worried that Little Stevie is going to collapse on stage one night. (JPF)
6. Blue Oyster Cult I don't know the keyboard command for an umlaut. Deal with it. Formed in 1967, and with only one remaining original member, BOC are actually playing in Richardson next month. No, really. While they might be Burnin' For You, they're so old now that said burnin' can only be dealt with by yet another extremely expensive medical procedure. By this point, both the band and their fans should fear the reaper. Yes. I went there. --Gavin Cleaver
5. Fleetwood Mac This tour actually kicks off tomorrow as the sort of reunited, but not really because Christine McVie isn't with them, Fleetwood Mac goes around the world for the first time since 2004. This is going to be interesting for two reasons, 1) who knows if the perpetually "out-there" Stevie Nicks is going to keep it together and 2) how the hell is Lindsey Buckingham going to find time to show up on What's Up With That? Nose bleed seats start at around $100. (JPF) 4. Roger Waters A man massively in need of a discounted ticket price if ever there was one, Old Man Waters continues to trek the globe in search of every last dollar he missed out on in the 1970s and 1980s. He will not rest until America's GDP of 1978 is entirely his. Do you think he will ever tire of singing about a simple construction used for shelter and to support a roof? Not as long as there's money in it, he won't. (GC)
3. Bob Dylan I once paid an obscene amount of money for Bob Dylan tickets only to be so disappointed in the show that when a friend asked me how it was I joked that "I think we saw him die on stage." My friend thought I was serious and called CNN with the tip, this led to me having really awkward conversation with a CNN fact checker. If you go see Dylan pretend you're going to a blues show, don't pay a ton for the tickets and don't joke about him dying on stage. (JPF)
2. Deep Purple It utterly boggles the mind that Deep Purple can even climb the stairs to get on a stage, let alone still belt out "Highway Star" at full volume. Google the bass player, "Roger Glover." Has anyone ever looked older than that? He makes the Easter Island Statues look like One Direction. Apparently he's younger than Mick Jagger. Genetics, everyone. They don't make any sense. Basically, do exactly what you want, because it's all predetermined anyway. (GC)
1. Beach Boys Is there a more depressing sentence on Wikipedia than "Brian Wilson remains a member of the Beach Boys Corporation?" This is one band that has guaranteed their own senior discount with the somewhat contentious decision to fire Brian Wilson soon after his much-heralded comeback, thus lowering their appeal and ticket price to somewhere around the level of, well, Blue Oyster Cult. Expect to see Mike Love rock up his "Mike Love's Naming Rights Circus" to a musically-devoid suburb near you any time now. (GC)
