Top 10 Things That Did Not Happen in 2006

1. PPT was neither calm, nor silent, nor filled with shame. They were, in fact, quite the opposite.

2. The Xaglaxian mothership did not retrieve the Polyphonic Spree and return them to their home planet of Quarzallium-72.

3. Despite our many phone calls and letters, the Burden Brothers did not play a Deep Blue Something tribute show under the name "Deep Brown Something."

4. The Double Wide did not go the way of Trees.

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5. Trees did not go the way of the Double Wide.

6. KXAS-Channel 5 news anchor Jane McGarry did not get her junk pierced at Ozzfest.

7. Mwanza Dover did not join a monastery and take a vow of silence.

8. The Happy Bullets did not compose a seven-hour thrash metal opera about how delicious Crystal Pepsi was.

9. did not throw us a surprise party for our birthday.

10. We did not totally see you give some dude a tug job in a booth at the Slip Inn. Not only did we not see that, we didn't take a bunch of pictures of it and then post them on your MySpace page as a slideshow with James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" playing in the background. That was somebody else that did that.

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