Ask a Mexican on Why Mexican Men Don't Go Baja

Dear Mexican: A friend says she read that only 20 percent of Mexican men go down on their ladies. Can you "spread" some light on the subject? El Gabacho Guapo

Dear Handsome Gabacho: Let me refer her to The International Encyclopedia of Sexuality, a set of studies on the world's sex habits. Its section on Mexico cites two surveys from the early 1990s that found about 50 percent of men in Mexico City practiced oral sex on women. The Mexican hombre's taste for cunnilingus grows once he hops over to the United States: A 2002 report by the National Center for Health Statistics showed that 74 percent of Latino men had performed cunnilingus at least once. However, that percentage is dwarfed by the 87 percent of gabachos questioned by the NCHS who admitted to the deed. The Mexican holds various theories about why his hermanos aren't as prone to panocha pecking as gabachos: Traditional Mexican men don't bother with cunnilingus since it doesn't lead to procreation; Mexican women are too ashamed of their bodies to allow a male tongue near their hoo-ha; Mexico's endemic machismo produces a culture in which vagina dentata is as feared as la migra.

What do you think will happen to the gringos if Mexicans become the biggest raza in America? El Mex de Durango


Ask a Mexican

Dear Gabacho: That's the 64,000-peso question. Demographics show that Mexican birth rates grow even as those of gabachos fall. The Jim Gilchrists of this country predict chaos once there are more Mexicans than gabachos; pro-amnesty activists claim Mexicans will assimilate just as previous immigrant groups did. I'm among the latter, and propose we'll be the most American ethnic group yet. Taking cues from our gabacho forefathers, Mexicans will ridicule English speakers and dismiss them as lazy minorities with funny surnames and traditions. We'll do what gabachos were always too pussy to try — take over Mexico — and create a true NAFTA, bringing further riches to the United States and ending the illegal immigration problem for good. Then, we'll become too complacent and fat and gabachos will plot the takeover of their ancestral lands by having more babies and agitating for affirmative action and Gabacha/o Studies programs. What's the moral of the story? Treat Mexicans well and encourage their simpático ways, gabachos. Otherwise, we might just become Americans.

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