Let's see, last week we had 60 mph winds, golf ball-sized hail, 80-degree days and 20-degree wind chills. Now, extrapolating the absurdity, the Texas Rangers are displaying genuine optimism.
In this turvy topsy world, could these signs be the beginning of the end? Or merely a small, irrelevant part of a incomprehensively humungous middle?
Apocalypse? Or average?
Not to resurrect Bible Girl by going all Bible Boy on you, but our country's economic times, the extreme weather, last week's shooting sprees, last weekend's Palm Sunday, the Mavericks' choke job in Memphis Friday and Michigan State's blowout loss to North Carolina last night combined to get me to thinking big picture.
Turn with me, if you will, to the book of Revelation ...
I've written about this "Does God Give a Damn About Sports" thing before. Answer: What God? I mean, nope. Too busy.
But mightn't he/she/it use sports as a facilitator to get across an urgent message of doom, gloom and get your shit in order pronto? Perhaps. But if so wouldn't the God-promoting Quincy Carter be a little less high? Wouldn't the Yankees had won the 2001 World Series for a devastated New York that needed a big dose of God Bless America? Wouldn't the Spartans - and their Jesus Christing star Travis Walton - have upset the Tar Heels as a divine intervention pick-me-up for deteriorating Detroit?
Sorry, but these events aren't scripture. Just sports.
While you prepare to faithfully observe Easter by hiding painted chicken eggs and telling your kids they were placed there by a rabbit because Jesus hung on a cross made of chocalate - okay, then you tell me? - take a second to realize that, if The Bible is any sort of a game plan (some of us have our doubts), the end won't come disguised as sports, but more so something straightforward and much more scary.
Slide over John Madden, the Apostle John would like a few words about Earth's two-minute warning. To recap, be nervous if:
*You see four, six-winged beasts - a lion, a calf, a man and a flying eagle - talking and singing while descending from the sky. (Rev. 3:7)
*After the sixth seal is opened, there is a great earthquake and the sun becomes "as black as sackcloth of hair", the moon red as blood and every mountain and island are moved out of their places. (Rev. 6:12)
*You see seven angels with seven trumpets. Sounds promising but nope, extremely bad news. Under their robes? Seven plagues, carried in seven vials. Fire, brimstone, hail, blood, scorched Earth, bottomless pits, rampant murder and giant, gold-crowned locusts with men's faces, women's hair and scorpions' stingers, tormenting humanity for five long months. The works. (Rev. 9:5)
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*You encounter a great beast: A red dragon, complete with seven crowns upon its seven heads. Goes by the name of Satan. (Rev. 12:9)
*You happen upon dudes walking around with "666" - the mark of the beast - on their right hand or forehead. Hell's Fan Club. (Rev. 13:16)
*You notice a man on horseback flying in the sky with his eyes on fire and a tattoo on his thigh that reads: King of Kings, and Lord of Lords. (Rev. 19:16)
Spot any of these and, yeah, it was probably a bad idea to schedule Rangers-Tigers on Easter.