Dallas' Sports Teams Are Staffed By Idiots
Unfair Park admires the faith in humanity it takes to trust a stranger this much.
Ahh, the post All-Star Break, post World Cup, post LeBron, post everything doldrums. The Wednesday and Thursday after the Midsummer Classic have been proven -- by science! -- to be, along with Christmas Eve, the deadest days on the American sports calender. Clearly, local athletes are just as bored as their fans, as evidenced by the comic admissions of Rangers starting pitcher Derek Holland and the hijinks of Stars center Tyler Seguin.
Wednesday, Holland took to the airwaves and told KRLD-FM listeners of his and his fellow pitchers bullpen activities during what's become, by any measure, a lost season for the Rangers. As reported by The Dallas Morning News, here's what Holland and friends do for fun:
"Basically, there are two games. One is called pink eye. That is when you just fart in somebody's face and they can't flinch. If they move, there is a penalty for it. This all came from Mark Lowe. 'Fart Bottle Roulette' is when you get a bunch of little water bottles, fart into one of them, put them in a bag, shuffle it, and than watch everybody's reaction. Everybody opens a bottle one by one and it's the most nerve-wracking thing every because you really don't want that bottle."
Because actually watching the team's games, frankly, is too much at this point.
Not content to let Holland waltz away with the DFW sports lunatic of the week award, Seguin attempted to one up him. By letting a pro golfer hit a drive off of a tee attached to his, ahem, junk at his TFP charity golf tournament. The Stars were one flinch away from the team's future going up in smoke.
To his credit, Seguin didn't, which is more than Unfair Park can say after watching the video.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Observer's biggest stories.