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Defending DART? We Think Schutze Might Have Scored Some X at Electric Daisy.

Defending DART? We Think Schutze Might Have Scored Some X at Electric Daisy.

I did a thing for DC9 at Night yesterday about how the city didn't do anything wrong at that rave at Fair Park over the weekend, and I got a lot of very positive response in the comments, most of it probably from the people who put on the rave, but it was really nice to hear some flattering things about myself for a change. So I have decided to turn over a new leaf.

From now on instead of attacking governments all the time I may just start defending them. In fact I might even change the name of this deal to "Get On My Lawn." I'd like to keep the shotgun, if you don't mind.

First government I want to defend as part of my totally new deal is DART, which stands for Dallas Area Rapid Transit. They are the government that runs the buses and trains in these parts. They've been taking a hell of a lot of grief from the people at The Dallas Morning News because of an incident during the recent Dallas Mavericks NBA championship celebration.

A DART train stalled in the tunnel leading into the northeast corner of downtown, and the passengers were stuck on it for more than an hour. Finally the passengers couldn't take it anymore, so they forced the door open and walked out of the tunnel on their own.

Ever since then, DART has been denying responsibility for the incident and basically calling the passengers assholes and morons and criminals for getting off the train, not in so many words.

DART board chairman William Velasco said, "I don't care if you sit on that train an hour or an hour and a half or how long. You do not get off." He said it was "about safety," but it was pretty clear from his tone that it was about shutting the hell up and staying in your seat.

Velasco is very handsome.

DART spokesperson Morgan Lyons suggested that future passengers who act out in the same way could find themselves on a fast train to the calaboose. "Not only is it unsafe to leave a train in an active rail corridor, doing so is against the law," he said.

Lyons was tough, and he was down. He reminded me of Jeff Bridges in True Grit.

DART Chief Executive Officer Gary Thomas said, "Look, they put themselves in danger too, by getting off the train and walking into that tunnel." I thought what Thomas said was so cool, because it was like, "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you."

Of course the niggling nanny-state nincompoops at The News got themselves all in a twist because they said DART was being Mr. Meany and doing hurtsy-feelings on the precious little riders who had to walk, wah-wah-wah, about 10 feet through a tunnel. They had an editorial in today's paper about how DART grossly mishandled, in their words, the "stalled train fiasco."

Oh, fiasco-velasco. It was no fiasco. It was a minor blip maybe. But Morning News Metro columnist Jack Floyd had to pile on too from behind the pay wall, about how DART owes the passengers "more than just a scolding."

Oh yeah? Let me tell you people something. DART does not owe its passengers jack! Not jack! The passengers owe DART a ton of money. Did you know that DART loses $4.87 every time a passenger gets on a train, even after he or she pays a fare? Yeah. That's DART's current "fixed route per passenger subsidy."

Do you know why? Because DART has to spend most of its money building bullshit train lines out to loser suburban areas where nobody rides the train anyway. In other words, passengers are nothing but an expensive pain in the ass to DART.

Here's what I suggest, DART. You need to start straightening some of these passengers out! I mean, out! You need to straighten their asses OUT!

Maybe you could start with a new motto or an ad campaign or something. You need to get your true message out. You could have signs on the trains saying: "This is DART. Shut the hell up."

Maybe that's not even strong enough. They're your trains. You've got your own cops all over the place. You could have recorded announcements saying, "See those guys in uniform with the big gnarly flashlights on their hips looking right at you, chump? Don't even think about getting out of that seat until they tell you to, or they will definitely kick your ass."

I think these passengers need to have some consequences once in a while for their behavior. If they're going to keep acting out, there should be a price. Since it costs DART so much money anyway to let them ride the trains, I don't see why DART doesn't just lock the doors every once in a while and run the trains empty.

Pull into the station, act like you're going to let them on, open the doors a crack, then slam them shut and put the pedal to the metal, man. You could have another announcement back in the station while they're standing around like a bunch of dumb asses looking at your dust:

"Suckahs!"

Yeah. Put the riders in time-out for a while and let them just think about how they've been behaving.

Sometimes I think these passengers get confused in their heads or something. They seem to think they own DART. Let me tell them something right here: You passengers don't own squat. Nobody on the DART board has to ask you for your measly little vote to stay in office. DART doesn't have elections. DART belongs to DART. The purpose of DART is DART. You passengers need to pay your sales taxes, pay your fares, shut the hell up and do what DART tells you to do.

I'm so jazzed about this. I love DART. I worship at the altar of DART. I think everybody at DART should get double pay. I think they should be allowed to shoot passengers. All I ask in return: I would appreciate some positive comments here from DART staff expressing their thanks for my support. I don't think that's asking for too much.

This positive shit is great.


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