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Gallagher Kills Audiences Dead

Noah W. Bailey
Gallager has actually turned into a sledgehammer, turns out.
Gallager has actually turned into a sledgehammer, turns out.
Gallager has actually turned into a sledgehammer, turns out.

Ten minutes into last night’s sold-out (!) Gallagher set at the Granada Theater, I wondered if I’d somehow ended up at Nokia Theater in Grand Prairie for the Friday-night performance by another legendary comedian: Bill O’Reilly. The night started off innocently enough, with Gallagher warming up the crowd by pelting us with candy bars and Twizzlers -- this was looking a little like the merry scamp we’d all grown up on. But then the mustachioed legend began the “real” show, which he kicked off in style by threatening to have a heckler removed five minutes in.

What followed was two hours -- two hours! -- of sexist, racist and homophobic “humor” that brought few laughs and left some of us feeling a little like members of a Tony Clifton audience. In fact, most of Gallagher’s act consisted of the type of “jokes” I’m used to finding in e-mails forwarded from crazy middle-aged Republicans. Like: He chastised the Supreme Court for this week’s landmark decision on Guantanamo Bay before ranting about how Abu Ghraib wasn’t that bad, because being on all fours with a chain around your neck sounds like his idea of a good time.

He also laid into Democrats, making the type of Hillary Clinton jokes even Fox News would frown upon, before claiming Barack Obama was half-Arab (I’m pretty sure he referred to him as a “latte”) and angrily declaring voters were stupid for supporting a guy with “bomb” in his name. We’ll spare you the rundown of Gallagher’s hatred for the French -- save for this one joke, which pretty much sums up the evening: “Do you know the difference between a hard foul and a flagrant foul? A flagrant foul is French, and it’s faggy.”

If it weren’t for the blatant racism we maybe could see Gallagher and Dwaine Caraway hitting it off, however, as Mr. Sledge-O-Matic is no fan of saggy pants, a fact he repeated ad nauseum throughout the evening. The ladies weren’t immune to Gallagher’s fashion advice, either -- if you’re one of the five women who went on stage to subject yourself to wearing men’s underwear as a shirt while Gallagher called you "easy" for showing your bra straps (“I think you’re loose, and I could have sex with you”), I suggest you get the name of a good therapist.

Oh, yeah -- he smashed some fruit or something too. Thankfully it’s hard to get watermelon on your clothes when you’re already in your car, speeding rapidly away from the venue. --Noah W. Bailey/


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