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How Will the Cowboys Lose to the Eagles?

With Tony Romo sidelined, a last-in-the-league defense and an innate inability to deliver in the clutch, the Cowboys' chances against the Eagles on Sunday aren't looking good. So, rather than lose money betting on Dallas, we thought it would be more productive to wager on how the Cowboys will lose. Because even with Romo on the bench, the Cowboys' ability to find new and creative ways to screw the pooch is unmatched.

Without further ado, here are the odds:

Kyle Orton turns in a competent performance, but the Dallas defense collapses in the second half. 1:1

Dallas' defense collapses in the first and second half. Nick Foles racks up 400-plus yards. The Eagles never punt. 3:2

Rather than knee the ball to secure victory, Cowboys run a pass play, give the Eagles a game-winning interception return. 3:1

Dez Bryant storms into the locker room after an early Cowboys turnover and is quickly joined by the rest of the team because "we couldn't let the fans see us cry." 12:1

Kyle Orton finds a bottle of Jack Daniel's at halftime. 20:1

Every single player on the Cowboys roster suffers a catastrophic injury in pre-game warmups, bringing a injury-plagued season to a fitting end. 25:1

Demarco Murray, inches from a game-clinching TD, spots a defender and casually trots out of bounds. 50:1

To patch up injury-plagued roster, Jerry Jones makes a last-minute signing of himself as starting middle linebacker and QB. 75:1

The Eagles, whose bodies have built up a remarkable tolerance for pestilence by living in Philly, infect the Cowboys with a devastating flesh-eating bacteria. 125:1

Cowboys spend hours searching for Monte Kiffin, who became disoriented en route to the stadium, drove 16 hours to Tampa. 348:1

Upon further review, every successful Cowboys pass play was actually an interception. 752:1

Picture-perfect Orton-to-Bryant deep ball is intercepted by an actual bald eagle. 1,204:1

Kyle Orton plays terribly and gets replaced in the second half by Tim Tebow, whose incessant glances heavenward fail to persuade God to make him a decent quarterback. 3,521:1

Clever sweatshirt convinces Jerry Jones that Aledo High School has moxie, deserves to be in the starting lineup. 54,325:1

A driver with the new Metro Arllington Express bus service, still unfamiliar with the concept of public transportation, inadvertently plows into Dez Bryant as he leaps to convert a crucial fourth and goal. 500,000:1

Luke, Jerry Jones' long-lost other son, expertly pilots his X-wing through the Dallas defense, blows up AT&T stadium. 1,102,325:1

Dallas defense completely dominates the Eagles, who nevertheless eke out a 2-0 win. 1,000,000,000,000,000:1 Send your story tips to the author, Eric Nicholson.


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