Jade Helm 15: The First 48 Hours
The bad news is that these things are coming to conquer us. The good news is that they'll probably get fed up with valet parking everywhere in Dallas and leave.
1st Brigade Combat Team, 1st Cav Div
As you're reading this, our fair state of Texas, thanks to the leadership of Governor Greg Abbott and the intrepid work of Texas Guard soldiers, has survived the first 48 hours of Jade Helm 15, U.S. Army Special Operations Command's highly publicized covert takeover of Texas.
So far, martial law has not been imposed in any of Texas' 254 counties, not even in Irion where County Clerk Molly Crimer is making the last stand for the good people of Texas against gay marriage. Reports on the ground indicate that the storm is still gathering, though. Here is just some of what we've learned in the past few days.
This breathless report was recorded in a Sam's Club parking lot in San Angelo. Hearty American Kris Martin braved the elements to warn his fellow Texans of trailers potentially filled with gun-stealing ninjas and the influence of Knight Templar Freemasons on Jade Helm:
Still there have been casualties. Devin Pike, inexplicably allowed to keep his phone after being captured by the feds, has live tweeted his internment.
Now that the Guv'ment has fully engulfed Texas, I'm resigned to my new reality. Time for my barcode tattoo and new gay husband. #OMGJadeHelm— Devin Pike (@justdevin) July 15, 2015
My Arabic writing lessons suck, but at least I can get falafel at Whataburger now. #OMGJadeHelm— Devin Pike (@justdevin) July 15, 2015
Issued new clothing: "My Government Invaded A State They Already Have Authority Over, and All I Got Was This Lousy Jumpsuit." #OMGJadeHelm— Devin Pike (@justdevin) July 15, 2015
The only Slurpees we can buy now are rainbow swirls. Better for the vodka, I say. #OMGJadeHelm— Devin Pike (@justdevin) July 16, 2015
Re-education camp. Gore is still as monotone as you remember, and Madonna STILL uses that weird fake Brit accent. #OMGJadeHelm— Devin Pike (@justdevin) July 16, 2015
Info Wars, the Alex Jones-founded conspiracy news source that was instrumental in sounding the Jade Helm alarm, issued a video today explaining why many of us were not yet feeling the full brunt of our hostile military.
Remain vigilant everyone. With hard work and God's grace, we may just survive the weekend.