Jew Shouldn't Vote Today
Gubernatorial candidate Kinky Friedman has spent this entire Election Day doing interviews, during which the Texas Jewboy is repeating a single theme: Do not vote. "Well, I haven't stridently been telling them that, but people have been saying that to me," Friedman says from his Austin campaign headquarters, where TV crews and newspaper folks are lined up like they're giving away free dreidels. "People have been honking from their cars and shouting that they saved themselves for Kinky. That's why voting's down—that, and if God wanted us to vote, He'd have given us candidates."
Remember this: If you're heading home from work and decide to vote in the primaries, and you plan to sign Friedman's petition that would put him on the November ballot, well, yer screwed. The state's rigged it so that you can't even cast a ballot in your local primaries if you want to have a say in putting Friedman (or fellow independent candidate, as if, Carole Keeton Strayhorn) on the ballot when his petition drive begins at 12:01 a.m. tomorrow on the Capitol steps Austin. Friedman and Strayhorn each need 45,540 signatures, from registered voters, by May 11.
"I think the Texas revolution is upon us," says Friedman, who's hoarse with a case of "Texas Jew flu," as he calls it. "Every 150 years we get one. Just remember to save yourself for Kinky. You'll never have to do it again, because we'll change that law when we get elected. I can't even vote for my friend Brian Hardin, who's running for county commissioner in Kerrville, and still be able to sign my own petition, and that pains me. It's just not the cowboy way." —Robert Wilonsky