Thus began the 90-plus minute yak-n-gab last night at the Nokia Theatre in Grand Prairie by that 800-ton up-armored Hummer of talk radio Rush Limbaugh. Dressed in a grey suit with a dark T-shirt--his dome gaining ever more chrome as his noggin flanks turn a brighter Gulfstream silver--Limbaugh spent most of his time lampooning liberals for their incessant testimony to their own terrific goodness, their shallow intellect and their smug elitism coupled with a reflexively dim view of America designed to broadcast their shrewd enlightenment. But he also praised his audience: "I love coming to Texas," he confessed. "Ya know why? Because everybody who lives in Texas loves living in Texas." A guy sitting in front wore a green T-shirt with a slogan stenciled on the back in bold print: "Life is too short to live in Dallas."
From there, the pearls of Rush wisdom rushed forth:
- Upon meeting Hillary Clinton alone in an elevator in New York, Rush confesses: "She says, 'I don't know what it's like to feel like a woman any more, Rush. Nobody's here, would you show me what's its like, so I remember, to be a woman?'..So I took off all of my clothes, handed them to her and said: 'Here, fold 'em.'"
"It's like Phil Donahue once said to me...he was ripping the country and he said, 'But for the accident of my birth, I'd be a Mexican.' I said, 'Damn.'"
"Go to Afghanistan...When I hear people talking about poverty in this country, you don't know what it is until you visit some of these places that have not succeeded in moving beyond the 17th and 18th centuries...They would be stunned to see what we call poverty."
"[Democrats] have been telling seasoned citizens, 'You vote Republican, your Social Security is going to be cut. Your choices will be getting Alpo or buying a can opener to open it.'"
"One of my girls who works for me has a 16-year-old daughter. In her daughter's history book there's something like 20 pages on Bill Clinton, one paragraph on Reagan, one paragraph on Abraham Lincoln. Eight pages on how great Clinton is. At what? Staining dresses?"
"Let's say I lost half my audience next year. It's not possible, but let's say it happens. If I were a liberal, you know what I'd do? I'd blame you for being stupid."
"You can't go to the library, for example, and find a book on how to fail. Because everybody knows how."
"This is interesting. The concept of me walking into the bathroom is funny. You know what's really interesting is when you go in a bathroom and use the urinal and someone next to you recognizes you and tries to shake your hand."
Near the end of his soliloquy, Rush talked about his highly publicized addiction to powerful pain killers such as OxyContin. "I actually thank God that I got addicted to those stupid little pills because it's ended up making me a better person and I found God more so in the process." Wow. We want to find God too. Anybody got a spare scrip pad? --Mark Stuertz
