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Mavs Parade Starts Today With a Slow, Boring, Making-Sure-We-Won't-All-Die Flyover

Don't be alarmed. They're just guarding against deadly chemical accounts. OK, be a little alarmed.
Don't be alarmed. They're just guarding against deadly chemical accounts. OK, be a little alarmed.

The other night, when Mark Cuban was snuggling with his shiny new safety blanket and dreaming about a flyover for Thursday's parade, this wasn't likely what he had in mind: The EPA will conduct low, slow fly-bys of Dallas over the next day or so, taking "baseline air samples" so officials know just how fucked we are in the event of a chemical attack on parade day.

Although, let's be honest: At this point even the terrorists love Dirk. That LeBron's a total infidel.

The flyovers, announced last night by the Dallas Police Department with a "don't be alarmed" addendum, will be similar to ones conducted in the lead up to the Super Bowl, the difference being that instead of hundreds of thousands lanyard-wearing VIPs from everywhere but Dallas, this event is expected to draw as many as 250,000 hometown boys and girls, many of whom will be too drunk to notice that their carefully painted skin is melting right off. The planes apparently fly as low as 500 feet. So, you know, wave hello or something.


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