Miracle whip: Buzz is heartsick we can't drive to Houston this weekend to attend The Response, Governor Rick Perry's big prayer meetin'. That means we'll miss witnessing firsthand any miracles wrought by the convocation of several thousand mostly white, Republican, viciously homophobic "prayer warriors."
The timing of the event also puts it in the middle of Buzz's weekly deadlines, so any effect from the rally will be well known by the time we next write. So we're left simply to speculate: What will The Response mean for Houston? Will that swampy city become a new Lourdes or a new Sodom, overrun by hordes of gay, male hookers? We're thinking hookers. And we've got the science to prove it.
Remember when the Super Bowl came to Arlington this year? Cops and serious, sober people like the Women's Funding Network warned us that the city would be overwhelmed by 100,000 prostitutes — 38,000 of them underage. They came up with these astonishing numbers using methodologies that looked like hysterical wild-ass guesses but were in fact, the anti-hooking forces swore, "science."
So Buzzed tried little scientific method ourselves to predict The Response's impact. We factored in several variables: the estimated size of the crowd (8,000 so far); average distances traveled; ambient temperature (112); and the odds that any virulently homophobic, self-righteous, extreme social conservative secretly spends his weekend fretting about window treatments and giving blowjobs in the park (34.2 percent). Our finding? Houston is about to be flooded by at least 37,000 twinks, bears, bubble-butts, trannies and assorted guns for hire.
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To test our prediction we turned to backpage.com — that fine online marketplace — and located Andrew, a "22 5'7 140 lb 29w swimmers build hispanic green eyes S E V E N down to earth man looking to offer the best of my time and service to all generous gentlemen." Apparently those services entail a rather ornate jockstrap-looking thingy.
We woke him up in Houston with a call at 1 p.m. Andrew fuzzily admitted that convention crowds are good for business, though he doesn't see many prayer warriors. "I've had one person pray afterward," he said. He noted he had seven missed calls from the previous night. Early comers for The Response? "You never know who's going to show up," Andrew said.
He did seem a bit intrigued at the chance of a busy weekend, though. "When I've seen Rick Perry on TV, he looks gay," Andrew said. Yeah, but he's not, we pointed out. It's just that good hair.
"No," Andrew said, "I'm not into hair."