How did you get so good at playing girls?
Back in the '80s, after I'd let my acting career sort of wander off, I started doing impersonations at nightclubs. For contests, I did a big Les Miz number, playing all the roles. Then I started lip-synching dialogue from Mommie Dearest, Sunset Boulevard and Gone With the Wind, with costume changes in front of the audience. I'd end with the "I'll never go hungry again'' speech and bring down the house. It was a creative outlet.
Hours in front of the mirror for practice?
Yes, and you wear the heels [size 11] around the house. You vacuum in your heels.
I know I do. So the contests led to...
Hosting, as a woman, a touring show of male strippers all over the Southwest and Southeast. That was fun. If you think drag queens are high maintenance, try a bunch of dick dancers.
When did you start getting cast as females in legit theaters?
In the early '90s, somebody told me the old Moonstruck Theatre was doing a couple of Busch comedies. I auditioned and got cast as a woman in all of them. Then I worked at Pegasus Theatre, also now closed, and was hooked for good. At Uptown Players, I played the female lead last year in Ruthless! [another Busch comedy]. It's been steady work since 1998. How do you maintain your girlish figure?
I work out three times a week. I wear a size 10 or 12 dress, depending on the length of sleeve. I have long arms. And even though I'm 6 feet tall, I always wear heels. There is no glamour in a flat shoe.
Your makeup onstage is very old Hollywood, very Joan Crawford-finds-her-keylight.
It takes a full two hours, sometimes three, to do the makeup. It's mostly theatrical products, with 99-cent eyelashes and drugstore Coty face powder. Lots of powder. Nothing worse than a shiny mug. When I scrape it all off after the show, I look like a peeled onion.
Afraid of getting typed as the "drag'' guy?
I've gotten so much notoriety for female roles, people forget I'm an actor. Uptown is doing Terrence McNally's Love! Valour! Compassion! later this year. I'd love to play one of the men in that. We'll see.
OK, woman to woman, give me some secrets for how to be more glam.
Pay close attention to foundation garments. Very important. Fishnets. I'm a big believer in fishnets. They flatter any leg. Always stand like you're on a red carpet, one foot in front of the other with a little twist at the ankle. Real glamour is all in the bevel of the foot.
Dude, You Owe Us, Like, $95,000
The Dallas City Council voted unanimously on April 14 to fund a safety survey of the Dallas Zoo's gorilla habitat. It is the exhibit from which Jabari, a 13-year-old, 350-pound gorilla, escaped last month, injuring three zoo visitors before he was shot and killed. The survey will cost the city $95,750 and is required by the U.S. Department of Agriculture before the gorilla habitat can be reopened.
The city and the zoo might not level with you, but we at Full Frontal will: Friends, that ship has sailed. The gorilla exhibit is as dead as Jabari. With that in mind, we've come up with some alternate uses for that 95 large.
Training a monkey police force. Dallas Zoo obviously has a security problem, one that a simple survey will not cure. It's time to let the inmates run the asylum, so to speak. Now, monkeys--even, say, a dozen of them--would not be able to stop a rampaging gorilla like Jabari. But, if properly trained, they might be able to stop those kinds of situations before they start. Plus, let's face it, nothing will get the kids laughing like a monkey in DPD blues. And we could all use a laugh right about now.
Luring some celebrity talent to the zoo. We're talking Marcel from Friends, Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose, Roddy McDowall from Planet of the Apes. OK, at least two of these are dead, but you get our point. The kind of celebs who don't get out of bed for less than $10,000. Or a really big stack of bananas. Like, really big.
Finally fielding a competitive team in the slow-pitch, primate-only softball league. Dallas Zoo has had its furry behind handed to it on a regular basis by zoo teams all over the Southwest, even the spider monkey-led squad from Waco's Cameron Park Zoo. They need money for a real field and proper equipment, especially uniforms that withstand chronic, almost obsessive masturbating. The zoo needs a morale boost. This might be it.
Answering some pressing questions. First: Could 100 monkeys typing on 100 typewriters actually write the Great American Novel? Next: What is more fun than a barrel o' monkeys?
Building the Jabari "Monkey See, Monkey Do" Memorial: Perhaps David Schwarz could design it. Just thinking out loud here.
Funding the Jabari Hall of Fame. This would feature our precocious deceased primate, Houston Texans tight end Jabari Holloway and 6-foot-11 Sacramento Kings reserve center Jabari Smith.
Jane magazine says Damageplan's Vinnie Paul wins the "Jerk of the Year Award" for an e-mail the former Pantera member sent in for the magazine's "special celeb-produced issue." We think he just needs a little sensitivity training--or maybe a kick in the face. In the meantime, we've rewritten Paul's piece in hopes that he eventually will learn the joys of self-editing. The words in bold are ours, not Paul's. We've also fixed his spelling, punctuation and a few other things that make him look, well, really effin' stupid. (If you want to see the e-mail, go buy the May issue of Jane, cheapskate.) --Rhonda Reinhart
How to Get Women With Loose Morals to Work for You
By Damageplan's Vinnie Paul
Hiring beautiful women to work at the Clubhouse, my Dallas gentlemen's club, is one hell of a chore. We have very high standards. First, if they aren't attractive with their clothes on, then they're not gonna be attractive with their clothes off!!!!! Once they pass the first general appearance test, then you gotta see if they can dance. Some girls look great but dance like Pee-Wee Herman doing the "Tequila" dance, and that doesn't fly around here. Third, you gotta check 'em out nude. Some chicks still haven't figured out that the '70s went out around 30 years ago, and so did the hairy nether region. Our policy: Good Grooming Is a Must!!!! If they still look good, I got one hell of an assortment of razors to straighten that out. Last--and this is the best part of owning a gentlemen's club--they have to provide top-notch fellatio. I guess the worst part is when they come in and they're really sweet but you can't hire 'em 'cause they have a cosmetically unappealing face or stretch marks or gravitationally challenged breasts but they still provide top-notch fellatio. All right, folks, now find a few friends and hit the ATM and come on down and see us.
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