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Rep. Ralph Hall From Rockwall Is Turning 89, Will Do Keg-Stands with Rick Perry, T. Boone Pickens, Harlan Crow

Ralph Hall, congressman, conservative, birthday boy.
Ralph Hall, congressman, conservative, birthday boy.

Congressman Ralph Hall, the near-nonagenarian, oldest serving member of Congress, who was elected to things five years after World War II ended, just turned 89 years old. What do you give the man who has everything -- a powerful committee chair; a devilish sense of humor (he loves Mormons!); and a full head of hair the color of a unicorn's mane?

You throw him a party in the 15,596-square-foot manse of Dallas oilman Cary Maguire and invite a bunch of power brokers whose aggregate wealth is in the billions and billions and billions.

You install fountains flowing with single-malt scotch. Rick Perry gets sloshed and loses at a game of Try To Remember the Federal Agencies He Would Dismantle. Harold Simmons regales the attendees with the tale of how the state Legislature wrote his radioactive-waste disposal business plan. T. Boone Pickens breaks the scotch fountain with a giant windmill. Pitts Energy's Bill Custard brains Harlan Crow in the library with a candelabra. And Congressman Joe Barton and ExxonMobil PAC's Ken Cohen hold hands.

The invitation says the party goes from 5 to 7:30 p.m., but that's just when the kiddies go home. I predict the party ends at dawn, when Hall plots to cut the brake lines on Lou Gigliotti's race car. I'm sure my invitation is in the mail. God, I hope my invitation is in the mail.


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