Sams' Club

Sams' Club

File this under "Things you didn't know about WFAA-TV anchorbot Scott Sams": He has a blog. Yes, Scott Sams, former weather guy-turned-anchorman at Channel 8, has a Web log, the sort of place where he can communicate with viewers directly, letting you into the mind of Sams. In fact, the site ( is titled "What's on Scott Sams' mind?" Problem is, Scott has only a few posts: one in which he asks readers to respond to 15 questions (No. 6: "What is your favorite sound?") and another that's a list of facts e-mailed to him from a friend ("Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair"). This was disappointing. We expected more of a running diary from Mr. Sams. Something more like this (for those of you unfamiliar with blogs, you may wanna read from the bottom):

Whuz on Skizz-ott's Mizz-ind?

February 24, 2004
OK, folks! Management has "asked" that I make this light and fun again. OK, so, did you know I used to play the flute? Who else out there plays a crazy instrument? Lemme hear from ya!

February 23, 2004
OK, since no one is reading this, I may as well tell you all our secrets: Yes, I make more than Dale...No, Jeff Brady doesn't think it's funny when you call him Scott Sams Version: 2.0...Yes, my secret crush is Macie Jepson. God, I hate my job. I mean, I'm well-paid, but I have thoughts, feelings, important stuff that I want to say. If I have to read one more news story about some pathetic son of a bitch who got shot just because he doesn't have the sense to stay out of the bars at 3 a.m., I may pull out my wee-wee on camera and start smacking it on the desk. I feel so alone.

February 16, 2004
Who doesn't love ice cream? Seriously. Let me hear from you.

February 9, 2004
I think Debbie Denmon was giggling at me today! That scamp. I can't figure out why. My new pants look great!

February 8, 2004
I know you don't see below my belt, but I'm thinking pleats are over! They make my crotch look extra bulgy when I sit. I'm going today to buy some flat-fronts. Wanna go with?

January 24, 2004
The war in Iraq. Crazy. Your thoughts?

January 11, 2004
Boy, it sure is tough thinking of something to write every day! C'mon, let's get those e-mails coming. And don't bother commenting on my hair. Figured out the prob. Too much conditioner!

January 3, 2004
Sorry I missed a day, folks! I want to blog every day, but I forgot the 1st is a holiday, so I took yesterday off. What did everyone think of my hair this morning? I TiVo'ed the broadcast, and the first time I watched I thought, "Looks good." By the third time I thought, "Looks flat." What do you think?!

January 1, 2004
Got to work early today to start my new blog! I'm Typin' More in Aught-Four! I'm so excited! Where is everybody?

Lethal Lord 2: Saviors Revenge

Everyone's talking about Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ, wondering if it's anti-Semitic or simply a good film. We don't know the answer. What we do know is: 1) that other Hollywood types would have handled this story very differently; and 2) how soon we are going to hell.

Todd Phillips: The Old School and Road Trip director enlists his sometime muse Will Ferrell to play the Son of God. Key moment: In a flashback sequence, Jesus turns water into wine. He then proceeds to get Frank-the-Tanked on it: "It tastes so good when it hits your lips."

Woody Allen: Playing against type--and religion--the director casts himself as JC. Oh, and a 13-year-old Asian girl as Mary Magdalene. Key moment: In an Oliver Stone-worthy bit of conspiracy theory, the 12 apostles crucify Jesus--at a roast in his honor, later to be known as the Last Supper.

George Lucas: Proving again that actors are unnecessary in this digital age of filmmaking, Lucas simply uses CGI to change the costumes in The Phantom Menace. The dialogue remains unchanged. Key moment: Anakin/Jesus cuts himself off the cross with his lightsaber.

Richard Donner: The man behind the Lethal Weapon series casts Gibson as Jesus Christ, Renee Russo as Mary and Danny Glover as an aging John the Baptist, who has only one week left before retirement. Key moment: To distract Pontius Pilate (Joe Pesci) and the Roman soldiers, John the Baptist sets fire to the temple. It explodes just as he and Jesus jump to safety, while JTB screams, "I'm too old for this shiiiii..."

Hey Mr. DJ

While we can't do anything about getting the Dallas Mavericks closer to winning a championship--not until Mark Cuban heeds our repeated requests to take over as general manager--we can help out in one area: music. Most of the clips playing over the P.A. system during games are so out of date, it's almost as if the team wants to keep the memory of Reunion Arena alive. Really, doesn't Brad Davis' mustache do that on its own?

For example: The Rolling Stones' "Start Me Up" might have been a pretty kick-ace way to kick off a game back in, say, 1982. Now it's more out of style than the Grecian Formula Cuban's wife makes him use. Same goes for all the '80s metal--if people want to hear announcer Humble Billy Hayes and Mötley Crüe at the same time, they can just listen to The Bone in the morning. And that snippet of the Dave Matthews Band's "What Would You Say?" The frat boys who sit behind me during games already irritate me enough. Don't encourage them.

Since there is still time before the playoffs, they have a chance to retool. As always, Full Frontal has a few suggestions.

Method Man, "Bring the Pain": This is perfect for the beginning of games, providing the needed intimidation factor. Of course, it would help if the team actually had someone who could deliver said pain, other than Shawn Bradley. And that, unfortunately, is just on our souls.

Cypress Hill, "I Wanna Get High": Anytime Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki connect on an alley-oop, this is your jam.

Foo Fighters, "Hero": Use this whenever rookie sensation Josh Howard checks back into a game. Why? Because it's already playing in my head when that happens. "There goes my hero..."

Basement Jaxx, "Where's Your Head At": Cue up this song's chorus when the refs make a bad call against the Mavs. Or Bradley falls down. Or Antoine Walker hoists another inexplicable three. Or Nellie starts trying to throw the game away with the Hack-A-Shaq business. Or Humble Billy tries to get cute with the voices. ("Me so sorry!") You might need a few copies.

Nelson, "After the Rain": I don't know. It just makes me laugh.

--Zac Crain


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