Just in time for Valentine's Day, we received a book in the office titled Speaking of Sex: Funny, Wicked & Joyful Remarks About Almost Everybody's Favorite Subject. It is a Bartlett's-style book with quotes about love and sex, which aren't always synonymous at Full Frontal's crib. It is, perhaps, the worst book ever published (at least since Prozac Nation). There are no citations for the quotes. One of the chapter titles is "Her Lips Suck Forth My Soul," which was the name of Full Frontal's first album, oddly. Some of the quotes are wrong. (Author John-Paul Sousa perpetuates the Zsa Zsa Gabor, Johnny Carson, "pet my pussy[cat]" myth). And he quotes himself--on the first page. (We always wait till the second.)
That said, Full Frontal couldn't put it down, which shows you what a great idea for a book this is. Unfortunately, for every funny or insightful quote ("I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural and wholesome thing that money can buy"--Steve Martin) there is a dud. "What do women find most attractive in a man? A big, throbbing wallet"--one of several quotes by the author.
Even worse, if he was going to put together such a slapdash book, the author forgot to include some lines we've heard local people say about sex, at least in our darkest, dampest dreams. According to a friend of a person who knows a good friend of ours who went to high school with somebody else, these quotes should have made it in the book:
"There is nothing sexier than a fake bust." --Terrell Bolton
"What is it about the mayor that makes me so hot?" --Ted Benavides
"Sex is something you have with someone not as pretty as you." --Rhett Miller
"I have pictures of people peeing in public. On my Web site." --Avi Adelman
"Plastic surgery is never attractive." --Jerry Jones
"I never met a politician who didn't want to screw me." --Sharon Boyd
"Make sure to keep it firm and moist." --Stephan Pyles
"Down, set, hike." --Troy Aikman
"Pink isn't a color. It's a flavor." --Mary Kay Ash
"There's a warm front approaching from the south." --Kristine Kahanek
"He's got a hot bat." --Eric Nadel
"Sex is something you do between meetings with Tom Hicks and Ross Perot Jr." --Ron Kirk
What a Boob
Never has a story been better suited for Full Frontal. Or for me. Just in time for Valentine's Day, and with all you ladies out there wondering what to get your man, I had an idea. That is, I talked with Joe Francis, the 29-year-old, rich-as-sin entrepreneur who brought the nation the "Girls Gone Wild" series (drunken girls flashing the camera for the viewer's amusement). The following is an, ahem, bare-all interview with Francis.
You're a hero to men everywhere. How did you get started?
Well, I had an idea, and it turned out to be a good one. I came across some footage when I was producing some other videos...remember the "Banned on Television" videos?No.
The one where the woman gets hit by a train?
Wait...You mean, the banned on television videos?
Yeah, you remember them?No.
[Pause] Funny. Well, I was working on them when I came across some footage of women showing their breasts, and so I thought, hey, that might work.
How inspired. So, aside from getting hot chicks to flash you, what's the best part of the job?
No. That's pretty much it. I have a Gulfstream [private jet], and I fly around and girls show me their breasts. It's the best job in the world.
I hate you...Anyway, Snoop Dogg did a celebrity video for you titled Girls Gone Wild Doggy Style. A brilliant title, if I may say so. How'd that go?
Oh, Snoop's real cool. He's a great guy. It was just a lot of fun. He's hilarious; that's who he is. I mean, he's a character, you know? He just added, uh, another whole layer to the whole thing.
Are you telling me a nudie shoot with Snoop Dogg is deeper than the usual nudie shoot?
OK, fine, you're right. Call it another element. Not deeper, another element.
Some people think you're a misogynist, or that you're out there exploiting women. Me? I think you've empowered them.
I agree, yeah. I think we have. It gives them freedom. It lets them do what they want to do. We're just documenting it. If we were paying them, I'd feel worse. It changes the whole thing. It would be a business transaction then...and that's a totally different kind of girl. Strippers do it for money; a normal girl doesn't think about the money. These are normal, nice girls. Most of them college girls, and they're just good, nice people.
Yup, they'll all be canonized.
Sure, we love making money off the Dallas Observer's personal ads. But even we get creeped out by some of the freaks who come through the door. And we're not even talking about the "massage therapists" and their "actual photos." Just in time for Valentine's Day, here are a few of the ads that didn't make it into our online personals. Because everyone needs love. Don't they?
Attractive M, 31, seeks F 18-40. I like mowing my mom's yard, shopping with mom and mom's cooking. You like cuddling, family and tucking me into bed and reading me a story. Please call before 9:30 p.m. (Mom's bedtime.)
Looking for a gentle touch. Hoping you will bring a sensual approach to applying my prescribed topical cream. Condition's not contagious, but my loneliness is spreading. Reach out and touch me.
Exotic foreigner with accent needs local woman with U.S. citizenship. Must be open to marriage ASAP. Really. That's all. Call me!!!
40 SWM looking for a companion to share warmth and love during the long winter. I'm playful, sensitive and good with an ax. Would need you to help me take care of my lonely mountain hotel during the off-season. Remember--all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!
DWM seeks designated driver. Looks don't matter once the beer goggles kick in. Patience, warm bedside manner and a car with a roomy backseat preferred. Janitorial service experience a plus. Masochists welcome!
Female virgin needed for short-term relationship. Must enjoy long walks to volcanoes, flowing white dresses and being tied up. Loyalty and an interest in religion a must. Trust fund a bonus! Call, or just meet us during the next full moon.
Seeking soul mate! If you're looking for sizzling days and sweltering nights, I've got all the heat you want right here. You're into greed and wrath, I'm into pestilence and death. I'm in for the long haul and I hope you are, too. Age and sex not an issue. We'll have a devil of a good time.
Hey, girl. How you feelin'? Me, I'm just kickin' it, mindin' my own, readin' some Smoove B on the Izz-ernet. Sitting here, sipping my Courvoisier, I'm wondering: Do you want some sweet lovin', baby? I know I do. Ahhh, yeah. You feel it? I thought so.
Do you like to jump in with both feet? Can you toe the line? You might be my sole mate. SWM seeks 18-78 F for foot rubs (yours, of course!!), shoe modeling and maybe some toe sucking. Dinner's on me--I can foot the bill! --Merritt Martin, Michelle Martinez, Shannon Sutlief and Rhonda Reinhart
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