School of The Rock

I don't have to tell you what dens of iniquity and sin our state's public schools are. You walk into one of those things, and you're practically guaranteed to get pregnant, screw up your SAT or get shot or knifed or something. It's really shocking I made it to where I am today, if you think about it. (MISD, reprezent!)

If only there had been a Southern Baptist Academy when I was a kid. I could have been saved from the daily onslaught of offers to buy drugs, lesbian prostitutes and black-market kidneys as I walked the halls of Mansfield High School.

SBA, the newly founded and fully accredited online homeschooling resource, is based in Dallas and warns that, "Parents who send their kids to [public schools] every day run the risk of having their precious children indoctrinated against the very Christian values they hold dear." With more than 140 classes and multimedia extras through which to teach your little'uns The Way, Mimi Rothschild's academy is a healthy alternative to public education. Fewer abortions, if nothing else.

According to a press release, Rothschild, who also founded the MorningStar Academy, the Grace Academy and the Jubilee Academy, says the Southern Baptist Academy is "a response to a recent Southern Baptist Convention's Resolution indicting the public school system for acceptance of sexual immorality, homosexuality, aborting unborn children, 'Man-From-Apes' evolution, and rebellion against the American way of life."

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Whatevs. I remember taking "Ways Of Satan 101" and "Jesus' Teachings: A Pack Of Lies" my junior year and thinking that they were not only informative but interesting too!

But the SBA's "Kingdom Education" is rooted in scripture. After each school year--tuition's just $1,499 if you enroll in 2006!--your child will continue to "grow up as a warrior of Christ." Otherwise, well, it's a passel of godless heathenry for you. At least that's what Rick Perry told me. --Andrea Grimes


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