Slice of Life
During nearly 20 years in the news business, Buzz has had to ask otherwise innocent people all sorts of nosy personal questions. But never, until this week, had we ever asked anyone the following: "So, how are your nuts?"
This might have been embarrassing, except that the person we asked was Tim Rogers, senior editor at D magazine, whose boys, rumor has it, have taken unfettered air at certain local bars, convenience stores and parties. To hear his friends tell it, Rogers' testicles may even have sung hymns in church. They're almost a public institution in Dallas.
Obviously, Mavericks owner Mark Cuban didn't know what he was dealing with when he threatened to slice Rogers' 'nads off after D decided to report that Cuban is now engaged to girlfriend Tiffany Stewart--which is what prompted Buzz's question.
According to a story posted last week on D's Web site, Cuban flew into a rage because Rogers did his job and attempted to get some basic info on Mrs. Cuban-to-be. Cuban told Rogers that he feared for his love's security if Stewart was widely identified as his fiancee. He threatened to call D's advertisers and ruin the mag. And he threatened to caponize Rogers, who, unknown to Cuban, taped the exchange. You can hear it yourself on the magazine's Web site, www.dmagazine.com.
And if you want to see the lady in question, you can pick up a recent copy of Courtside magazine, which ran a photo of Cuban and Stewart on its cover, along with three photos inside. (As Rogers' piece points out, Cuban announced on his own television show that he was engaged. Apparently, potential kidnappers don't watch the show. Neither does anyone else.)
So far, the results of Cuban's tirade have been threefold: It made Cuban look like a bigger jackass than ever before. (Incredible!) It got Cuban's pending nuptials announced in the "Page Six" column of the New York Post, which reported the threats; and it filled Buzz's heart with bitter envy. Twenty years in this business, and try as we might, we've never made anyone so batshit that they threatened to geld us. Lucky Tim.
Back to our original question: How are the boys? Rogers reports that he was a little nervous at first--an instinctive reaction for males whenever we hear the words "slice" and "nuts" in the same sentence--but is fine now.
"Nuts are still there," he says. "Of course, I'm not getting any use out of 'em."
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Observer's biggest stories.
- That's It Then: The Cowboys 2015 Season Gets Put Out of Its Misery
- The Cowboys' 5 Biggest Thanksgiving Turkeys
- Live From London: Your Holiday Weekend Weather Apocaforecast