Speaking in Tongues

Calling all ballers: Tonight's Ludacris/Ne-Yo concert at Nokia has been canceled because of "a scheduling conflict," which, when translated from publicist-speak, means "Dude, we didn't sell any tickets."

This brings up an interesting point. Publicist-speak is a tricky thing. Often the common, hard-working layman, the one who works his fingers to the bone to scrape enough ducats together to buy that treasured pass to a live show by the rock idol of his choice, isn't privy to the inner-circle language of those harpies who want us to think that their clients aren't hash-huffing, selfish little bastards. So here's a little guide to translating the high-pitched squeals of said harpies, after the jump:

"Our client has canceled the remainder of her tour due to exhaustion" really means, "Our client needs to have 100 percent of her blood transfused, because her veins are now filled with pure alcohol, and this medical process takes awhile."

"Our client has canceled due to laryngitis" really means, "Our client's STD is flaring up again, and it's making his leather pants really uncomfortable."

"Our client has canceled due to equipment failure" really means, "The violent fucks here in Arkansas don't seem to be real big fans of hip-hop, so we figured we'd just sneak on outta here in the middle of the night."

"Our client has canceled due to a stomach virus" really means, "Our client is so violently hung over, he's even throwing up what his mother ate last night."

You get the idea.

Anyway, those of you who actually did buy a ticket for tonight's show can get a refund at the point of purchase, or if you bought one over the phone or Internet, you will automatically get a refund.

What that really means is, "You will never see your $35 again." --Jonanna Widner


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