Teddy Bear, Dallas' Talking Porcupine, Is America's Best Super Bowl Pundit
By the ordinary laws of Internet fame, the universe should have long ago forgotten Teddy Bear the talking porcupine. It's been three years his emergence as a viral celebrity, roughly 8.6 billion years in Internet time. Adorable though he may be, with his vaguely anthropomorphic squeaks and amusing dietary quirks, he should have been supplanted by a flatulent gerbil or trombone-playing ferret or something.
And Teddy Bear would indeed be irrelevant were it not for one highly lucrative skill: He can correctly pick the winner of the Super Bowl. Since 2012, when he first thrust his snout into football punditry, Teddy Bear is a perfect 3-0, accurately forecasting that the Giants, Ravens and Seahawks would win Super Bowls XLVI, XLVII and XLVIII, respectively.
Compare those results with human beings who are paid to dispense football wisdom, none of whom can match Teddy Bear's record:
Peter King, Sports Illustrated, 2-1 2014: Broncos 2013: Ravens 2012: Giants
Tim Cowlishaw - The Dallas Morning News, 2-1 2014: Seahawks 2013: Ravens 2012: Patriots
Rick Gosselin - The Dallas Morning News, 2-1 2014: Broncos 2013: Ravens 2012: Giants
Chris Mortensen, ESPN, 1-2 2014: Broncos 2013: 49ers 2012: Giants
Adam Schefter, ESPN, 0-3 2014: Broncos 2013: 49ers 2012: Patriots
The human pundits will no doubt argue that Teddy Bear's success is a mere statistical fluke; given enough time he -- and Schefter -- will eventually regress to the mean. Or maybe they'll attack Teddy Bear's methodology of choosing winners based on ears of corn; sure, the porcupine might get the right answer, they'll say, but he lacks the depth of knowledge and insight necessary to to provide meaningful analysis.
In truth, the pundits are simply terrified that Teddy Bear is going to take their jobs. They will be even more terrified after the Seahawks crush the Patriots on Sunday, again confirming Teddy Bear's omniscience. As well they should be. Deny it as they might, gnawing at ears of corn and squeaking is far more insightful and entertaining than most Super Bowl punditry.
Send your story tips to the author, Eric Nicholson.
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