The Light ... It's, It's Coming!
I don't know how to tell my wife. We've got to put this sucker on the market and move the hell out of here. It's coming! It's headed right for us! The light! The light is coming!
WFAA Channel 8 news had a story last night about a rich lady who lives in a building on Routh Street three blocks from Museum Tower, the shiny new building downtown that has been almost setting sculptures on fire because it reflects so much light.
You know what I'm talking about, right? A new building downtown called Museum Tower has been reflecting too much light. Officials at the nearby Nasher Sculpture Garden are worried that the intense light coming from Museum Tower is going to wreck their sculptures.
I'm sorry, I do not have the exact specifics on how reflected light wrecks sculptures, but I assume it causes them to leap into flames or something. I don't think it's happened yet, but it's probably going to happen if somebody doesn't do something to stop the light.
And, of course, if a bunch of you happen to be standing right there looking at the sculptures when it happens, what do you think's going to happen to you? Yeah. Enough said. You can pretty much kiss your ashes goodbye.
I'm not entirely sure of that. But I know the light is bad, because wealthy people who are patrons of the Nasher have been complaining bitterly about it for months, even in D Magazine, which is kind of like wealthy people's high school yearbook. In Dallas, wealthy people usually don't like to complain in public, because they think it makes them sound like poor people. Most of the time they just say everything's fabulous. So, yeah. The light is bad, I guess.
Well, guess what? I'm not wealthy, but the damned light is coming right at me! It's on the march! Last night on WFAA reporter Jason Whitely had a story that said "residents" at another building downtown are getting hit by the light now.
Actually when he got down to it, it was just one resident, a wealthy lady connected to the local real estate industry who lives in what Whitely reported is a million dollar apartment in a building called One Arts Plaza. (All the buildings in that area are called "Museum This" or "Arts That," because they're in the official arts district, where wealthy people move in order to be near art.)
The lady had some home video that Whitely showed, probably from her cell phone, that showed a bunch of light coming right in her window. It was like ... man, scary ... just light everywhere, just pouring in her window! It was streaming right in there. She said it lasted for 20 minutes to half an hour every morning. I couldn't believe how much light it was. I bet she has to hide in her bathroom until it's over, although the story didn't say that.
I even imagined somebody like her husband getting hit right in the head by the light, collapsing onto the floor, telling her, "I'm not gonna make it, Babe. You go on without me! Somebody has to tell the people! Tell them the light is coming!"
That was all in my head. But here's what really got to me. I checked out the address of her building on my mapping software, and it's three city blocks from Museum Tower, The Shiny One. Well, back when this started, the light from The Shiny One had only reached the Nasher Sculpture Center. That's just two city blocks from Museum Tower.
Based on previous reports, I figure the dangerous light is moving out from The Shiny One at a rate of about one city block per week. In my direction! So you think I'm being an alarmist, right? Yeah, do the Chicken Little thing on me, again, why don't you? Call me a tinfoil hat, why don't you?
Well guess what, Sherlock? I mapped my own address in East Dallas, and I'm only 25 city blocks from Museum Tower. At the rate the light is advancing, my house will be set on fire less than six months from now.
I know. I know. I should have nothing to worry about, you say. So far, the light has only been attacking rich people. You probably think it's pretentious of me to even assume the light would care about me or my block.
Well guess what again, Sherlock! We have rich people less than a block away from us! And we happen to be right in between Museum Tower and the rich people!
So you think the light is going to jump over us? Yeah, that's what I thought. Maybe you'd like to apologize for the tinfoil hat thing maybe.
Maybe I should call Tim Rogers over at D Magazine. Can there be sympathy for those of us who are collateral damage? Damn well should be.
Anyway, I'm movin'. I am not going to sit here and be a victim and wait for The Shiny One to turn me and my family and my home and my dogs and my wife's chickens into a bunch of Post Toasties.
Serious question. Where do I go to get away from the light?
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Observer's biggest stories.