MORE

The Modern Texas GOP, a Viper's Nest of Mao-Lovin' Commie Bastards

The Modern Texas GOP, a Viper's Nest of Mao-Lovin' Commie Bastards

On the one hand, our former mayor and Republican primary candidate for the U.S. Senate, Tom Leppert, wasn't afraid to break GOP ranks and tell us that his fellow Republican opponent Ted Cruz is a known communist sympathizer. Amazing.

On the other hand, now we also know that Leppert himself is a fellow-traveling soft-on-communism pinko libtard. Astounding! That's the problem with these Republican primaries these days. They're exciting to watch, but they always wind up totally destroying our faith in America.

The story by Ed Timms reveals that Leppert swilled booze and engaged in physical interplay with Chinese people.

Leppert has been going after Cruz for being a Maoist-Leninist moral monster because Cruz, in his career as a private attorney, once represented a Chinese tire company. Cruz, by the way, does also admit in his own on-line bio that he has a history as a solicitor.

The Dallas Morning News, on the other hand, has a very shocking story this morning revealing that Leppert once went on a trade mission to China. Timms' co-writer on the expose was Robert T. Garrett, known in the business as the J.J. ("Jake") Gittes of the Morning News Austin Bureau. These two gumshoes say in their piece that Leppert's intercourse with the Chinese involved "a lively 11-course dinner punctuated by handshaking, backslapping and more than a few toasts laced with promises of long-lasting friendship and cooperation."

Man! That's the kind of stuff it used to take a whole team of CIA spooks years to assemble, squinting through countless peepholes, holding their breath behind innumerable hotel room curtains trying not to let their toes show and clicking countless Polaroids from white vans across the street.

Aha! Let's see you talk your way out of this one Mr. ... or shall we say Comrade ... Cruz.
Aha! Let's see you talk your way out of this one Mr. ... or shall we say Comrade ... Cruz.

Now all we need is a Texas Republican Senate primary, and all the totally shocking evil dirt just comes gushing out. Cruz, the "Don't Tread on Me" guy beloved of the national Tea Party, is actually a dirty red. Leppert, the supposed Christian conservative business guy, is really a toast-swilling Chinese-hugger.

What next? We're probably going to find out the whole operation is run by Justin Bieber.

I have to admit, though, I sort of love it. It's all terrible, terrible, terrible, but it's also kind of exciting, don't you think?

It's so retro. I wish Cruz and Leppert would both start wearing little skinny neckties, pop-bottle glasses and stingy-brim hats and wave around secret lists of known communists whom they promise to expose in Senate hearings if elected.

Cool.

Sometimes I do put down the newspaper or turn off the TV news, sigh pensively and think, "But who is actually going to govern the country?" Then I always slap myself in the forehead and say, "Hey, dude, who appointed you the official Department of Who's Going to Govern the Country?" And then I go get some corn chips.

Personal tip: If you ever do run into Robert Garrett, do not ... repeat NOT ... ask him what the hell happened to his nose.


Sponsor Content

Newsletters

All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >