Granted, it would force me to actually watch the ridiculousy cheesy show, but I'd be willing to stomach Dancing With The Stars' sequins and sass and smarminess of Tom Bergeron if only I could orchestrate whom was boogieing down with whom.
Following in the "Foxtrot" footsteps of Emmitt Smith, Cowboys' Hall of Famer Michael Irvin will be on this season's show. I hear that Troy Aikman declined an invitation last year and Tuesday morning on 105.3 The Fan owner Jerry Jones said during his new weekly show that - despite his nifty moves in those Papa Johns's commercials - he doesn't consider himself a candidate.
"I had the step at one time," Jones said, "but these days it's a little off."
For me to get into DWTS, I want star power. I want sports. I want drama. I want conflict. I want skin. I want couples. I want ...
10. Terrell Owens 'n Dalai Lama: Hubris, meet humility.
9. Chuck Liddell 'n Tito Ortiz: Nothing like two angst-riddled arm-bars moving in sync.
8. Shawn Bradley 'n Nastia Liukin: By my estimation, they'd see eye-to-pelvis.
7. Muhammad Ali 'n Joe Frazier: Even now, I'd pay to watch them "Tango."
6. David Duke 'n Jesse Jackson: Cue Michael Jackson's "Black or White." Let's "Waltz."
5. Rosie O'Donnell 'n The Grim Reaper: Guess which one we want "eliminated"?
4. Brett Favre 'n Pete Sampras: The dance is called "Retiring With Class." Pete, you lead.
3. Anna Kournikova 'n Maria Sharapova: Is there a dance called "The Pillow Fight While We Rip Each Other's Clothes Off"? No? Okay, just a little Dirty Dancin' then.
2. Josh Hamilton 'n Johnny Narron: Closer, Johnny. You've got to hold him closer!
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1. Mark Cuban 'n Kenyon Martin: Ooh the sparks! Ooh the intensity!! Ooh the obscenities!!!