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Today Marks the Beginning of the End of Dallas' Great Summer

Artist's depiction of the city of Garland
Artist's depiction of the city of Garland

So, Dallas, that was the summer of our lifetimes. Today marks the day where average temperatures begin to drop, continuing their inevitable decline towards whatever horrors Winter 2014 has in store for us. Let's not focus on the inevitable entombment of Dallas in ice quite yet, though. Let's think to ourselves about the last few months, and how they were actually pleasant.

It was a summer of rainbows, of unicorns diving through the clouds, a summer of delight, wonder, intrigue, surprise, and happiness. Every week seemed to bring a new cold snap. Why, at one point I went outside in July and it was seventy degrees. SEVENTY DEGREES. IN JULY. We will never see anything like this again. I'm already getting T-shirts printed up to commemorate the summer. They will simply have a picture of St. Delkus, wearing a tie and a halo, with the hashtag #NEVERFORGET.

Long after the unpreventable heat death of the universe and all matter contained within it, a single surviving atom of being will still remember Dallas' summer of 2014 fondly. People living in Australia are having dreams about this Dallas summer, and they've never even been here, nor do they know why they are having these dreams. This summer was so good, it tore a hole in space-time that Guardians of the Galaxy came out of. In summary (SUMMER-Y) we should all leave now, because it's not getting any better.

August even had 3 inches more rain than average, meaning there's an outside chance the unpreventable heat death of the universe is delayed. Or something. I assume rain comes from space, as my friend's stepfather once told me that increased rainfall is the result of the tilting of the moon. No, he genuinely told me that. I was 13. I still don't know if he was serious. He seemed relatively normal outside misguided conceptions of lunar precipitation.


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