Traitors in Our Midst
Everyone was having fun until someone lost a nation.
Lower down on this blog, you'll find Observer staffers having a little fun at the expense of all those people -- 97,463* as Buzz writes this -- who signed a petition on a White House website calling for the federal government to allow Texas to "peacefully" secede from the union. The website has tons of similar petitions purporting to represent other states, but Texas' has by far the most online "signatures."
See also: - A Few Questions Before Texas Secedes
Ha-ha. Very droll. Anti-Obama folks want to secede. What a bunch of clowns.
Stop right there, pard, and think about that. Clowns. The kids here in the office think this is funny. Yours truly, older and wiser, thinks it's about time for the shitting of the pants.
Why? It's an undisputed fact that clowns are the closest thing to a living embodiment of evil. They depress adults. They frighten children. They are a cornerstone of the direct-to-DVD horror genre. But because they're clowns, nobody takes them seriously until they're ripping the guts out of some poor starlet.
America is that metaphorical starlet, my friend. No, not the yogurt poop woman. The other one. The slutty one.
No, not ... look, just shut up and step through the looking glass.
Fact: A mantra of the far right is "America: Love it or leave it."
Fact: These people want to leave America, so by their own calculus they DON'T LOVE IT.
Fact: The opposite of love is hate.
Ipso facto: Deep in the heart of this state there lives a huge cadre of disloyal America-haters, heavily armed -- this is Texas, that's a given -- and led by radicals named Perry and Abbott.
Still laughin'? You poor pitiable fool. Nobody believes in fifth columnists until the Wehrmacht is rolling down the street. Nobody ever stops and asks, "Hey, why is that clown carrying an ax?"
That's the trouble with today's progressive, limp-wristed, diverse America. Back when white, somewhat straight men ruled the world as is proper, America knew how to handle these threats. A few Hollywood types and assorted fellow travelers sign some petitions and join some pinko marches? Purge 'em. Black folks want to sit at your lunch counter? Tell J. Edgar to slip into something less comfortable and get on the damn stick.
Today? We laugh as the rough equivalent of four or five armed divisions of America haters openly foment national dissolution.
Look, we're not saying we need to bring back the House Un-American Activities Committee. We already have a huge, secretive Homeland Security apparatus, warrantless wiretaps, extrajudicial imprisonment and state-sanctioned assassination. All we need to do now is to take this threat seriously.
Surely there's room in Guantanamo.
*Granted, it's possible that the Texas secession petition is also being signed by people in other states who both love America and want to see Texas depart the union. Still, it's a safe bet no more than half -- 60 percent tops -- of the signatures come from those Yankee smartasses.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Observer's biggest stories.
- Can You Believe Somebody Is Trying to Solve Mentally Ill Homelessness?
Fri., Dec. 4, 7:30pm
Fri., Dec. 4, 8:00pm
Sat., Dec. 5, 12:00am
Sat., Dec. 5, 12:30pm
- 5 Things You Should Know About Dallas' Pension Crisis
- City Plan Commissioner Abtahi Kept Off Virgin America Flight Home