Travel Advisory

Dear Mexican: I am a butt-white Irish guy, happily married to a beautiful Chicana. Her familia is from a gorgeous rancho deep in the corazón of Zacatecas, and I've been wanting to experience all of the ranchero lifestyle I keep hearing about from my acquired familia mexicanos. However, our State Department has warned Americans to NOT travel into Mexico due to the violence by the drug cartels. Some of the family and my pocho partners have said that all is great, and stop being a pinche güero panocha, and just go! However, los otros amigos have told me that I'd be loco to travel into the moreno motherland because my 6-foot-2, blond, blue-eyed ass would stick out and I would surely lose my oversized Ted Kennedy-looking head! Do I stay or do I go? Scared White Boy (With His Cabeza Intact)

Dear Mick: While bigger cities like Tijuana and Mexico City (and even Juarez, to a lesser extent) are generally safe now after the narcoviolence of the Calderón administration, I'd still stay away from the rural regions of Mexico, which are experiencing full-fledged rebellion between warring cartels, corrupt cops, the Mexican military and autodefensas (local vigilante groups). Then again, you're gabacho, and as I've said before, ustedes can walk around Mexico with impunity because the cartels know if they mess with one, the Obama administration will stop its eternal waltz with various cartels and rain down the drone desmadre.

Why is it that Mexicans prefer to party, barbecue, dance and drink in their front yards? Friday and Saturday nights, their lowriding buddies machine-pistol them without having to slow down their Honda. Cabana Man


Ask a Mexican

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Why do Mexicans do everything in the front yard? A friend of mine told me the backyard was where Mexicans keep all their chickens and autos up on blocks, but it isn't true. At least not here in Texas. Tony Romo is Lame, but Jerry Jones is Lamer

Dear Gabachos: The sooner gabachos realize that front yards are just a pathetic remnant of Gilded Age nitwits pretending to live like British lords, the better off this country will be. Since houses in Mexico historically had no lawns or ornamental plants, Mexicans view front yards as virgin land ripe for the taking. Why? Because the backyard is already too packed with partying Mexicans.


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