We Build Trump's All-Texas Cabinet

Donald Trump and Robert Jeffress in Dallas last September.
Donald Trump and Robert Jeffress in Dallas last September.
Mikel Galicia

Donald Trump, somehow, is not sure to win Texas' 38 electoral votes in November's presidential election. 
Trump needs all the help he can get just to hang onto a state that is absolutely essential to any chance he has of becoming president.

Texans have been all too willing to step up to the plate. Using the roster of declared supporters — some more willing than others — here are the Observer's picks for who should do what in the Trump White House.

Secretary of State — U.S. Representative Louie Gohmert
Gohmert began 2016 as a die-hard Ted Cruz supporter. He has worried in the past about "terror babies" — who are supposedly born in the United States to women with terrorist sympathies and then taken back to their mother's country of origin for training — and whether or not same-sex couples would be included in any potential space colony.

With Cruz out of the race, Gohmert has said that he backs Trump, in part because Trump is "projected as a little bit crazy," something Gohmert views as being advantageous in foreign policy discussions. He's not an eloquent arguer for what wonks call the madman strategy.  “You couldn’t figure on what [erratic leaders will] do. They might actually push the button, you couldn’t trust them. Reagan, you know, you look back at Roosevelt, I’m talking Teddy Roosevelt,” Gohmert told Fox News earlier this year.

Director of the Environmental Protection Agency — Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry
During his brief run for the 2016 GOP nomination, Rick Perry called Trump a "cancer on conservatism" and a "toxic mix of demagoguery and nonsense." He's now endorsed Trump and stated that the real estate developer and reality TV personality would "peel the skin off" Hillary Clinton in a debate setting.

Trump said during his vice presidential search that he was considering Perry for a top post and we can think of no better job for Perry than director of the EPA. Perry knows that global warming is a hoax, the best way to solve drought is prayer and that the EPA itself should be completely rebuilt.

Secretary of Agriculture — Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller
Sid Miller has, variously, used state funds to go to Oklahoma to get something called a "Jesus shot" from a known quack doctor, and insisted upon taking office that deep fryers be returned to Texas public schools. Miller has pardoned cupcakes and other baked goods, making sure that parents knew they were welcomed in class rooms. In response to new USDA outlines that suggested people consume more fruits and vegetables, Miller told all Texans to have a steak and some sweet tea for dinner. Sid Miller is the man the United States needs to correct its wussy nutritional guidelines.

Press Secretary — Katrina Pierson
Katrina Pierson, Trump's Dallas-based national spokeswoman, has worn a necklace made out of bullets on national television, blamed President Obama's policies for the death of U.S. Army Capt. Humayun Khan, who died in 2004, and collected unemployment benefits while working on Ted Cruz' 2012 campaign for the U.S. Senate. When asked about Trump's plan to ban some Muslims from immigrating to the U.S. by CNN's S.E. Cupp, Pierson responded “You know what? So what? They’re Muslim." She has also called President Barack Obama and former GOP nominee Mitt Romney "half-breeds" because each had a parent who was not born in the United States. (Ted Cruz' father was born in Cuba and Trump's mother was born in Scotland.) We anticipate rating-busting press conferences. 

Secretary of Education — Robert Jeffress
First Baptist Church of Dallas pastor Robert Jeffress believes that the Supreme Court decision to legalize gay marriage was the worst in the court's history. He also believes that American society is persecuting Christians in the same way that Nazi Germany persecuted Jews and that abortion caused the 9/11 attacks. President Obama, Jeffress says, isn't the Antichrist, but is just paving the way for him. 

Jeffress was a Trump early adopter, speaking at all three Dallas area Trump rallies so far during this election cycle. He's acknowledged that Trump may not be the evangelical many of Jeffress' flock want in the White House. Jeffress supports Trump anyway because Trump "doesn't hate [evangelicals] like the current occupant of the Oval Office does." In June, Trump handed Jeffress a spot on his religious advisory board. Who could be better to decide the United States public education policy?

Secretary of Health and Human Services — Kenneth Copeland
Like Jeffress, Newark, Texas megachurch pastor Kenneth Copeland is on Trump's religious advisory board. For our purposes, he's the right man to direct Trump's Department of Health and Human Services. Copeland is a vaccine denier.  Due to his preaching, the kids at his church, Eagle Mountain International, suffered through a measles outbreak in 2013. Herd immunity is overrated.

Secretary of Labor — Texas Land Commissioner George P. Bush
Bush, widely viewed as the standard bearer of his family's political future, endorsed Trump over the weekend. He told lagging Republicans like Ted Cruz that it was time to "get behind" the nominee. As Secretary of Labor, we know that Bush would be behind his workers. Because the state of Texas doesn't allow severance pay, Bush simply kept paying 26 employees who left the General Land Office during Bush's reboot of the agency after taking over in 2016 to the tune of $383,000. This sounds like cabinet material to us.


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