What It's Like to Live in Plano, According to The Internet's List Makers. Everyone Loves Lists.

That baby is actually 45 years old.
That baby is actually 45 years old.
Image via

Perhaps you heard that Plano was recently named the 12th longest-living city in the country by the Daily Beast. But what you may not know is that a whole bunch of other listicles ranking places based on their General Pleasantness have spotlighted the 'burb. The results are mostly positive, occasionally confusing and always deeply scientific, we are sure. We have read them all, and now we can tell you authoritatively exactly what it's like to live in Plano.

If you live in Plano, you may be "wealthy." Way back in 2008, a survey by named Plano the best place in the U.S. in which to "build personal wealth." The same year, Forbes included Plano on its list of "Top Suburbs To Live Well," along with Highland Park and University Park.

If you live in Plano, nothing bad will ever happen to you, especially if you're a lady. I 2009, it was called the sixth safest city in the state of Texas by the CQ press. The next year, Women's Health dubbed Plano the best city for women, while Men's Health ranked it the third best for men, looking at criteria including cost of living, cancer rates, and a bunch of other things, including, bafflingly, something listed as "Percent hopelessness -- all or most of the time."

However, there's a high likelihood that you will spend much of your time on the couch. Occasionally a less-flattering list does break in to dump all over the Plano love-fest. In June of this year, Men's Health mentioned Plano again -- as one of the least active cities in the U.S., ranking number 64 out of 100 and scoring a D+ grade.

And don't even bother trying to hump that couch, or anything else in the vicinity. Because Men's Health also recently ranked Plano No. 52 on their list of Most Impotent Cities. (Subhead: "Where men are the most likely to go limp." Thanks for the clarification, guys.)

So, in conclusion: A typical day in Plano -- at least according to the Internet's city-ranking machine -- involves waking at dawn and calling your children or grandchildren to complain that the TV remote is still broken, whereupon they will tell you gently, for the 100th time, that you are pointing the garage-door opener at the microwave. You'll have plenty of time to figure that one out, though, because that you're just a spry young chicken of 84, with at least 140 more years of pristine good health ahead of you. All those people in the Bible who lived for 700 years? Yeah, they were from Plano.

To celebrate, you'll spend a brief stint swimming around in your money piles Scrooge McDuck-style, then mount an abortive attempt to make sweet love to your significant other. It won't go well. Afterward, winded but with your spirits undimmed, you'll retire for a nap, leaving your doors unlocked, your windows open and your rare coin collection arrayed on the table. Sometimes, just for the hell of it, you like to walk outside and wander up to strangers on the street, your wallet open and your alarm code and ATM pin number printed with indelible ink on your forehead. Then it's dinner at Luby's and home to spend the evening fused to your sofa, muttering about this "goddamned busted clicker" while your garage door flails wildly outside.

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