Dear Mexican: I was wondering why Mexicans in Chicago are meaner than Mexicans in California.
—Pinche Caliente Gabacha
Dear Fucking Hot-Ass Gabacha: Mexicans in Chicago, mean? In my many visits to the Windy Ciudad, I've found them to be a wonderful, hospitable raza, with their only real vice being they're far too nice to that authenticista pendejo, Rick Bayless.
I'm a 25-year-old Asian girl who started seeing a 29-year-old Mexican guy about five months ago. I was told by my white girlfriends that Mexican men are possessive, overbearing and cheat. He has slowly become more possessive. My Mexican boyfriend also buys me a lot of expensive things to make me happy. I actually met my Mexican boyfriend while he was dating his "ex-girlfriend" of two years. He cheated on her once before, and broke up with her to be with me. However, when he introduces me to his friends, he never introduces me as his girlfriend. What gives?
—La China Caliente
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Dear Hot Chinita: My dating-an-Asian story: cute Vietnamese chick. My parents loved her; her parents hated me because I was Mexican. She left me for another Mexican after I rejected her offer of an open relationship. But that sordid experience doesn't make me write off chinitas for good, so just because your gabacha pals had bad experiences with Mexis doesn't mean you should dismiss all hombres. The stereotype of Mexican men as lotharios is true only to a certain point and diminishes with assimilation. Besides, your situation seems fine. Can't remark on him not introducing you as your girlfriend — but you just whined that he's becoming too possessive of you, so maybe he doesn't want to push it. Buying expensive things for you obviously works, as you're still with him. Seems to me you're just spoiled.
I feel crushed by a comment that was made to me as a form of compliment by a tejana caliente I was recently dating. Recently, we were chingando duro estilo perrito, when she turned around in passion and told me in her Texas twang "You shoooore do have a biiiig dick — for a Mexican." When I thought about what she said, I lost my erection. I now have to resort to Viagra whenever I have sex with my gabacha. How can I confront her politely about her racist remark?
—El Burrito Ablandado
Dear Softened Burrito: Get her pregnant.