Wick's End
Mark Graham

Wick's End

Wick's End
Never let it be said that the Full Frontal staff only digs silliness. We're all about the politics, too. We understand how important citywide elections are in determining how budgets will be balanced, which potholes will be filled and whose ass Sharon Boyd will kiss. Which is why we were sad to hear that D magazine Publisher Wick Allison was uninvited as moderator to last week's mayoral debate at Walnut Hill Elementary between candidates Laura Miller and Mary Poss. (Which candidate nixed him is unknown.) Because even though Allison has very questionable taste in clothing--his college garage band was called Orvis for All Occasions--at least he can ask a pointed question or two. (The candidates ended up querying each other. Zzzzzzz.) So we asked Allison to send us a sampling of the questions he would have asked . Candidates' responses were culled from movies penned by John Hughes. See if you can match the response to the film. Answers are at bottom. --Eric Celeste

To Mary Poss: You know as well as anyone that this city needs $2 billion to $3 billion in investment in its infrastructure. Isn't it a failure of leadership to not tell the city bluntly that it needs a tax increase to pay the piper?

Relax, would you? We have $70 and a pair of girl's underpants. We're safe as kittens. 1

To Laura Miller: You have one vote on the city council that you can count on. To be the real mayor of Dallas, you need eight votes. Are you content being a mayor who is only a ribbon-cutter? How can you get votes from people who mistrust and dislike you?

I'll do anything sexual. I don't need a million dollars to do it, either...I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal. 2

To Mary Poss: You have made a big pitch to Republican clubs, and you stacked your campaign committee conspicuously with big-name Republicans. Are you a captive of the Republican no-new-taxes agenda?

You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess and a criminal. Does that answer your question? 3

To Laura Miller: How will you work with a city manager you have openly said you want to fire? And what good did it do to say you want to fire him when you didn't have the votes to do so?

I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it. 4

Follow-up to Laura Miller: Do you know anything about managing people?

I'm here to kick your ass, and you know it, and everybody here knows it, and above all, you deserve it. In fact, I think it's safe to say that this party is about to become a historical fact. 5

To Mary Poss: You are well-regarded as a get-it-done kind of public official. Would you make a better city manager than Ted Benavides?

I have been awake for almost 60 hours. I'm tired and I'm dirty. I have been from Chicago to Paris to Dallas to...where the hell am I? 6

Follow-up to Mary Poss: When financial management is such a big part of your résumé, why do you support a city manager who can't even get a budget straight?

Don't you ever talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends. You don't look at any of my friends. And you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends. So you just stick to the things you know: shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW and your poor, rich drunk mother in the Caribbean. 7

To Laura Miller: Do you want to fire police Chief Terrell Bolton? If so, how will you?

I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! 8

To Mary Poss: Do you want to fire Chief Bolton? If so, how will you?

Les jeux sont faits. Translation: The game is up. Your ass is mine.
9 Answers

1) Sixteen Candles, 2) The Breakfast Club, 3) The Breakfast Club, 4) Ferris Bueller's Day Off, 5) Some Kind of Wonderful, 6) Home Alone, 7) The Breakfast Club, 8) Christmas Vacation, 9) Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Anger Displacement
Until last Friday, there had been no sign of Iraqi Minister of Information Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, the stand-up comic who has emerged from Gulf War II as something of a superstar. There's even a Web site, www.welovetheiraqiinformationminster.com, devoted to the man so hysterical not even Darrell Hammond could mock him on Saturday Night Live last weekend; you can't parody a parody, turns out. Some media outlets speculated al-Sahhaf has shuffled off to Syria with his boss; others believed him dead in a bomb blast (which was odd, considering al-Sahhaf recently insisted, "There are no American infidels in Baghdad--never!"). But, turns out, you can't kill the funnyman, who surfaced last week as a film critic for al-Jazeera's English-language Web site. Since that site has been difficult to access during the war, which al-Sahhaf insisted never took place anyway, Full Frontal is reprinting excerpts from his body of work, which has us surrounded with laughter.

Assassination Tango, starring Robert Duvall: At first I thought the mercenaries of Hollywood were referring to the great and powerful Saddam, who dances away from nonexistent American bombs as though his bare feet were made of angel wings. But then I realized this was just a movie with Robert Duvall, who plays a hit man sent to kill a general who looks like the great and powerful and very much alive Saddam himself. Duvall, a villain, kills the man, but it is the movies which are not to be believed, unless it is Wag the Dog, which is very much truth because it is all lies. And the movie is all lies, because I do not believe for a second that Duvall has for a girlfriend someone as young and as pretty as Luciana Pedraza, who is young enough to be Saddam's daughter or mistress.

Malibu's Most Wanted, starring Jamie Kennedy: The failure of this movie is abysmal--or abizzymal, as the villainous devil Jamie Kennedy says, doing a very awful impression of the great Eminem. May Kennedy be accursed for attempting such a movie that confuses and keeps in a quagmire an audience raised on the tyranny of MTV and al-Jazeera's accursed "rock block" of videos, which are most definitely not off the hook.

The Quiet American, starring Michael Caine: Such a thing does not exist, unless he is like a snake and cut into a million pieces. Most Americans are tarateers [translation: full of hot air or gas], who breathe the foul stench of evil and do not stop talking lies. Be quiet, Americans. We have you surrounded with tanks and sticks and shoes.

Anger Management, starring Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson: I speak better English than this villain Sandler, who is not fit to be beaten with shoes. (Though, to be fair, I did find Happy Gilmore quite funny, especially the part with Bob Barker, who is a devil dog.) As usual, Hollywood is relying on a desperate and stupid method of pairing two war criminals whose crime is being loud and obnoxious, like the mercenary devils they are and will be always be. (Nicholson, however, was robbed by Adrian Brody, that criminal.) Joe Roth, the villain who runs the stupidly named Revolution Studios, said his strategy is based on shock and awe. This movie was shocking only because it was so awesomely bad and retarded with shame and fear.

--Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf Wilonsky


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