I know what you’re thinking: Hey, douchebag, what happened to Week 2? To which I retort, “What happens in Vegas haunts you all the way back to Dallas.” Find a comfy chair and cue the tiny violin, here comes my sob story.
Might’ve been O.J. Could’ve been Mickey Finned by the Bette Middler-impersonating blackjack dealer. Not sure. All I know is I woke up in Las Vegas last Friday morning to a revolting score of Thieves 1, Laptop Computers 0. Not too surprising, really, considering this latest incident seems only an eerie elongation of a 4-year curse during which I’ve had my house struck by lightning, my luggage from a 10-day trip to New York lost and never recovered by an airlines that rhymes with "Helta," my debit card stolen and abused, my car stolen from an Austin hotel’s valet parking and my cell phone stolen in Cancun, where the thief texted to random peeps in my address book pornographic self-portraits. Oh, and did I mention the food poisoning? Shout-out to those lucky souls who witnessed my four-puke performance in front of Harrah’s last Sunday night. Thank you, toasted ravioli.
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SHOW ME HOW
Without my computer, I was unable to communicate my aggressive backing of the Dallas Cowboys (-4 points) against the Miami Dolphins. I have the betting slips as proof, otherwise you’ll have to trust me: $300 to the good. Didn’t quite win enough to emulate Pacman Jones, but I rummaged up enough coin to make it sound like it was hailing. Which brings us -- finally, eh? -- to Week 3.
It’s the Cowboys’ No. 1-ranked offense visiting the NFL’s most feared defense. Dallas, getting 3 points, is more attractive than this on a $100 hand. If you’ve watched Tony Romo through two games and Rex Grossman at any time over the last two years, you know this line is out of whack.
I started with a mythical bankroll of $1,000, courtesy of Bodog sports online gaming. First, because their site is easy to navigate. Second, because they’re based in Costa Rica and have had minimal success tracking me down in the past. I’ll analyze each Cowboys game and make a wager every Friday (barring unforeseen hiccups). With any luck, by Christmas it’ll be iPhones for everyone.
STARTING BANKROLL: $1,000 SEASON RECORD: 1-1 CURRENT BANKROLL: $1,190 PENDING: Cowboys +3 over Bears for $200. --Richie Whitt