Your Stool-Stealing, Machete-Wielding St. Paddy's Day Weekend Crime Roundup

Dallas police made three dozen arrests for public intoxication but none for violations of basic human decency.
Dallas police made three dozen arrests for public intoxication but none for violations of basic human decency.
Stephen Masker

This crowd during this weekend's St. Patrick's Day festivities was relatively well-behaved, as far as these things go. Sure, there were three dozen public intoxication arrests and one DWI, but by far the most common offense was a simple parking violation, of which police issued 243. Not a bad outcome, considering the 100,000 or so drunk and otherwise impaired revelers stumbling down Greenville Avenue.

See also: The People of the St. Patrick's Day Parade

Of course, the people of Dallas weren't entirely well-behaved. Here are the highlights, from Greenville Avenue and beyond, of what police were up against this weekend.

Dude, where's my stool?: Dallas police officer Frederick Bishop was working traffic control for the parade at the corner Greenville Avenue. He had brought a stool, which he set beside a fence on Vanderbilt Avenue so he could rest his feet when he wasn't busy. When he returned at about 3:45 p.m. from one traffic-directing stretch, however, the stool was gone.

Fifteen minutes later, Bishop's colleague, a Sgt. Camacho, spotted the stool being carried down Richmond Avenue, several blocks to the south. He stopped the gentleman carrying it and asked why he had stolen a police officer's stool. "I just took it because ... no reason really," he said, before being arrested and booked into Lew Sterrett.

How, precisely, does one fuck an entire congregation?: The parishoners at ATR Walk by Faith Ministry at 3423 Fordham Road in South Dallas are a faithful lot. So faithful that they show up for church not just on Sunday morning but on Saturday evening as well.

That's where they were at 7:45 p.m. when an unknown gentleman burst through the front door and began to curse, telling the minister that he was "fucking all the members," according a police report. He then demanded money but fled the church empty-handed after the pastor told him he was calling 911.

Steer clear of crazy, machete-wielding neighbors: Some kids were playing soccer at some apartments on Elsbeth Street at 8:20 p.m., a block or so from Lee Harvey Oswald's recently demolished Oak Cliff flat. A wayward strike sent the ball rolling through the open door of unit 106.

A man appeared in the doorway carrying not the soccer ball but an enormous machete. He stared at the kids as he ran the blade menacingly up the door frame then shut the apartment. The kids ran home, where their parents called the cops. When officers arrived at the man's apartment, they found the machete behind his couch. It was confiscated and the man was arrested for outstanding warrants.

Not cool, kid: At about midnight, well after the parade and Snoop Dogg concert had wrapped up, a 42-year-old mother tracked down her son at Checkers Drive In at Greenville and Lovers. The mother told police that she attempted to discipline the kid, a minor whose age is not listed on an incident report, and that he responded by kicking her in the head. Police arrested him a half hour later at their home and took him to the Harry Wade Juvenile Justice Center.

Indigestion: Sure, swallowing baggies of illegal narcotics seems like a great way to get out of a potential drug arrest, but a bulky plastic pouch doesn't go down quite as easily as a pair of aspirin. One man learned that the hard way Friday evening when he was pulled over on Atlanta Street in South Dallas for failing to signal while turning.

When an officer reached his car he called an ambulance after discovering the man appeared to be choking. The obstruction was dislodged without help, however, and the man coughed up a blue plastic baggie of marijuana. "The plastic baggie was chewed up, and the [arrestee] had green residue on his teeth, according a police report. He was taken to Lew Sterrett on a charge of tampering with physical evidence.

Always spay and neuter your pets, people: On Friday evening, a 59-year old man set up at 2200 Hatcher Street and put up a sign offering up pit bull puppies for the low, low price of $250 a pop.

That was a bit too steep for one 20-something man who snatched two of the puppies and sprinted back to his waiting Scion. The puppy seller was close behind, and was able to get his hands through the car's driver's side window, which in retrospect was probably unwise.

The puppy thief rolled the window up, trapping the pursuer's arms in the window, and stepped on the gas. The man was dragged 100 yards before he was able to free his arms. He was taken to Baylor with "severe road rash" and a possible head injury, according to police.

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