MORE

Zeus, the God of Thunder, Does Not Want Dallas to Have a Pleasant Weekend

If you see this dude coming, then your weekend is ruined already.
If you see this dude coming, then your weekend is ruined already.

You see all that brightness outside right now? It's pretty great, isn't it? It's been like that all week. You might have made plans to spend a Saturday outside for the first time since The Great Ice Storm of 2013 obscured the sun and turned us all into shut-ins. Maybe you thought, hey, we could have a picnic, or go to White Rock Lake along with everyone else in the whole world, or even just drive with the top down on your fancy convertible car that you bought to take advantage of the three weeks a year where Dallas' weather is appropriate for such a thing.

Well tough luck buddy, because unfortunately Zeus is about to have his say in that regard. You see, the ancient Greek God of thunder, so revered as a bringer of heavenly fury, has decided that the first weekend of actual spring (no really, it is, check it out) would be the perfect time to move to North Texas. He was, of course, here last weekend too, ruining any and all outdoor plans you might have had. Whether Dallas has become Zeus' weekend retreat we can only speculate, but I'm going to go with a definitive and absolute yes.

Some of you might look at the above graphic, taken from Delkus, the only weatherman who matters, and say, "Hey, Gavin, it looks to me like there's only a 30 to 40 percent chance of heavy storms and thunder," to which I say to you, dear friend, how lucky do you feel right now? Are you the sort that would go to Vegas and put it all on red? Are you looking out of your office window right now thinking, "What's the worst that could possibly happen?"

Then go ahead, sir or madam. Proceed. Make your outdoor plans, buy all that food that perishes the instant you open its container, maybe invest in a new T-shirt or some expensive shorts, because you, my friend, are a gambler.

However, if, like me, you think even a 10 percent chance of being caught wearing wildly inappropriate clothing in the sort of scene from the Bible that heralded the necessity for Noah to build an ark is too much, then you are going to want to invest in canned goods and possibly some new blankets. Hunker down. Wait for Zeus to move on to somewhere like Houston. Maybe try changing some of the signs announcing this is Dallas. I don't have solutions for you. What I do have is news of the forthcoming apocalypse, and let me tell you that this weekend has an apocalypse rating that is too high for you to try venturing outdoors.

Maybe next weekend, guys. Maybe next weekend.


Sponsor Content

Newsletters

All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >