We're watching Bravo's Most Eligible Dallas every week so you don't have to.
Scene 1: Courtney's at home, hangin' in her boudoir (which apparently hasn't featured new wall decorations since elementary school), chatting with Matty on the phone about her bad mood at the Granada concert (from Episode 6). He thinks she was mad about something (read: his PDA sesh with Neill); she plays it cool and blames exhaustion. But she's very happy her backup plan of a man still cares to check in.
Scene 2: Aww, it's time for Glenn's ex-humpmate Rebecca (we've taken to calling her "Babe") to go back to the City by the Bay, and she's packing her shit at his house. He drags her to the bed for one last smooch, and then they're off to the airport.
Scene 3: Tara goes indoor-rock-climbing with an ex-fiancé. "John's one of the only exes I'm friends with," her voiceover reveals. But John's not only there to climb physical walls. He's also rarin' to give Tara his two cents about her current relationship with the bumbling cowboy, Jody Dean.
He tells her and her giant hoop earrings that she'll never be happy with somebody who's got so many ex-wives and kids (and questionable facial hair configurations). She disagrees outwardly, but appears to be open to John's argument in her cutaway interview. Poor Jody Dean. He's already his own worst enemy. Does he need more people gunning for him?
Scene 4: Matt and his bushy-stached papa meet for some serious working-man's bidness at Nordco HQ. Just as dad says, with half smirk, "I'll have this report e-mailed to you right away," in walks Courtney bearing lattes. Seeing her possible future husband and father-in-law in the same room has a helium-like effect on her voice. "Two handsome men in one day? I must be livin' right," she Betty Boops.
After big Nord has cleared the room, Court tells little Nord that her South African love interest is going back to his homeland for a while. Matt can't hold back his smile. And then he lets Courtney talk him into breaking it off with Neill. AND THEN, he asks Court to accompany him to his big charity gala. "You're the most important woman in my life; why wouldn't I want you there by me?" Guess the season finale is coming up soon ...
Scene 5: Glenn drops off Rebecca at the airport. He drives away, fighting back a player's tear. The inside of the Pakulak Cadillac has never been a sadder place.
Scene 6: Court lays out some snack crackers and adjusts her animal-print couch in anticipation of a goodbye meeting with Mr. SouthAfrica. He shows up. gives her a bottle of wine (he knows her so well!) and they write the last lines of their semi-romantic chapter. The book may continue later, but for now, he gets that she's all about Matt, even if she can't admit it to him.
Scene 7:Tara joins a surprisingly dapper Jody Dean at his home for a delicious looking meal. "I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but I kinda like being with you," he tells her from his kitchen counter. "All the time." He's laying it on thick from minute one, and she's loving it. They chow down and then decide to move outside to his panty-dropping balcony (apparently everyone on the show has one).
Scene 8: Matt invites Neill to the McKinney Avenue Contemporary for some art-looking and rejection. He picks a room with mood lighting in which to drop the bomb that he's not wanting a long-term relationship with her. He even attributes his realization to Courtney, because she obviously has no conflict of interest when giving him advice.
But Neill's on the same page. It's hard, but she only wants to have fun. "I like going solo!" she says in cutaway, with no trace of human emotion.
Scene 9: Jody, who's apparently just watched As Good As It Gets, continues to butter up Tara on the balcony. "I've never wanted to do everything right so much," he says. "I'm in love with you." She can only muster a femme-fatale-esque "I love you too, baby" in response. Watch what happens ...
Scene 10: A sulky Drew, who hasn't "left the condo in days," drops by Daylon's pad. He's all Bette-Davis'd out in dark sunglasses and a dramatic headband. The reason he needs to commiserate? He's messed up his already-doomed relationship with Cody, by kissing another guy at S4 over the weekend. With Cody standing two feet away. Daylon secures his future spot as a radio talk show therapist by offering up some tough love and advice. Hope Drew can hear it through that headband.
Scene 11: Matt's nervous about his upcoming Leadership Gala, so he blows off steam by spending all of his non-charity money on a party bus that will take him, his bros and several hoochies to a pool soiree at NYLO.
Consider this his bachelor party before he enters the obligatory reality-show relationship with Leading Lady Courtney. But in true Matt fashion, he invites Courtney to the pool party so that she can see what he's giving up for her. Glenn and Tara are poolside as well. Tara and Courtney take some time to make fun of all the douchies at the pool party (the most entertaining segment of the episode by far). Court's cutaway riff on a skeezer in a bikini and high heels is classic: "I wore a beautiful cover-up, over my beautiful swimsuit. Therefore, I was allowed a wedge. A cover-up bought me a wedge; it didn't buy me a high heel." Matt and his pecs pull Courtney aside to tell her he's kicked Neill to the curb.
Scene 12: Neill settles in with Maje at home, reads him a book. This chick needs a new storyline. We hear Glenn's available!
Scene 13: It's the day of Matt's charity gala. He arrives at the event space to dot some I's. "This town is all about charity," he says in cutaway. "Now I've got my own. It's my first one!" You always remember your first ...
Scene 14: Courtney meets up with her probably-Amber-Venz-styled mom at L.A.S.H. Studio, gets fake ones put on while enduring standard Dallas-mother questions ("Have you been working out?").
Scene 15: Cast members arrive on Matt's red carpet for a night of charitable giving. Matt calls up Courtney 20 minutes before the start of the event, nervous that she hasn't shown up yet. Little does he know, but she's at least an hour away from being presentable. Fifteen minutes until go time, she greets her ride -- the ubiquitous Daylon -- at the door in cutoff shorts and a tee, with her hair up. Daylon dies inside. "Courtney, the limo is ready to pick us up, like, now." Geez, I'm nervous. She's on that dreaded Dallas Woman Time.
Scene 16: Back to the gala, where Matt greets what he calls a "laundry list" of his former UT teammates. Colt McCoy! Vince Young! A few others! Everyone gets seated. Back at Court's, she's on the floor, looking for the perfect bag. MOVE YOUR ASS, WOMAN. Thanks to some tricky editing, though, she and Daylon arrive just in time. And Matt's not even sweating her lateness. He's too blown away by her canary yellow dress. He introduces her to Vince Young. She uses the Betty Boop voice again. "Nice to see yewww!" Matt's called up to the stage. He gives an impressive speech, setting himself up for a run for Congress next season.
Scene 17: Drew, oblivious to all other storylines, sulks at his apartment. He finally gets up the nerve to call Cody and apologize for the S4 smooch. Drew's sudden restless foot syndrome tells me that he's nervous. If only Cody could see that bunny foot, he might accept the apology. But he can't, and he doesn't. Drew voiceover: "I feel like my soul has been put through a meat grinder, shoved back in my body, and ripped out again." A sad balcony cigarette ends this brief melodrama.
Scene 18: Back at the charity gala, Matt takes a break from constantly asking Courtney for validation ("Is everybody having a good time?" "Do I look OK?") to invite her to his family's new property on Possum Kingdom Lake. An episode ago, Matt was all over Neill. Now, he and Court are going away together. It's here that I realize this entire series is a loose, poorly written remake of When Harry Met Sally. I'll know for sure if, at some point during the October 17 season finale, Courtney fakes an orgasm.
