Dear Bang! Bang!,
I hear you guys met while Gretta Fine was rollerbladin' down the street in her panties. I love to rollerblade and would love to give it a shot in my undies. Do you have any suggestions of what type works best? I'd hate to be rolling down the road and have any of my pink and privates break free.
Bang right back atcha,
Commando Kate
Gretta: Commando can be fun most of the time, but I like to wear a nice boy-cut brief to roller-skate in. I like the security of my ass staying put as I bump up and down on those poorly paved urban sidewalks.
Mike: No underwear at all would catch my attention!
Dear Bang! Bang!,
I recently found myself with an erectile dysfunction problem and have been thinking of trying some drugs. Any suggestions on what works best for keeping it up?
Please help,
Limp in Louisiana
Jack: It may just be some sort of mental block. What works for you while you're whackin'? Start with trying to fantasize about the thing that gets you going when you're playing solo, then gradually wean yourself into simply enjoying the moment you're in. Screw drugs, try mind over matter first.
Gretta: Wanna go rollerskatin'?
Dear Bang! Bang!,
I love your latest EP, Electric Sex. It gets my britches all saucy. I'm wondering if you might be able to suggest any similar cream-inducing rock albums?
Thanks,
Mistress Saucypants
Gretta: Anything by Peaches!
Jack: Try AC/DC, David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust, The Runaways, Blondie, Richard Hell's Blank Generation.
Dear Bang! Bang!,
My boyfriend loves to wear eyeliner, listens to nothing but Rufus Wainwright and the Magnetic Fields and insists on wearing Band-Aids over his nipples like Morrissey, yet he insists he's not gay. He's great in bed, but I can't help feeling like he'd much rather be with a man. What should I do, Bang! Bang!?
Sincerely,
Man's Man's Woman?
Mike: You should probably use a strap-on. He's gay.
Gretta: I'm so jealous! That's a hot thought...being with a man in question! Think of the possibilities! Lucky woman!
Jack: Men can be in touch with their feminine side without being gay. However, there are two different kinds of gay, and your boyfriend sounds more like the bad kind. Y'know, not homosexual gay but gay like a barbecue with no beer.
Dear Bang! Bang!,
You guys have great hair. Do you find that it's helpful in releasing your sex power?
Sincerely,
Max Headroom
Mike: It sometimes releases mine in less than two minutes.
Gretta: Sure it does...on those occasions I bring out the crimping iron and Dippity-doo to get my sex on!
