Since his people turned down my interview request and firmly declared that there would be no complimentary tickets, I am left to only imagine what questions I might have put forth to the esteemed Lyle Lovett. The sophisticated country crooner (once referred to as the Thinking Man's Cowboy) left me high and dry, and there were so many things I wanted to know. A scale score follows the ensuing perspective inquiries, with 1 to 10 representing the seconds before Lovett would have hung up the phone.
Is Julia Roberts still hot or what? (1)
Did you see Erin Brockovich and if you did, did you question the authenticity of Julia's cleavage in that film? (2)
You played Sheriff Carl Tippett in the film The Opposite of Sex. Was the title inspired by your brief marriage? (1)
Your best musical efforts were made before and after your marriage to Roberts. Is that fact your subtle commentary on celebrity relationships? (3)
In college, you studied German and Journalism. Did you mistake Texas A&M for some kind of liberal arts school? (4)
Was Robert Earl Keen a good neighbor, or did he raid your trash for song ideas? (5)
What was the last good Robert Altman film? (4)
Was Dr. T and the Women the absolutely dumbest title for a movie? I mean, who would even write the music for such a disaster? (2)
Your most recent album is entitled It's Not Big, It's Large. Is that a reference to the size of your backing band or your ego? (1)
When that bull rammed and nearly killed you in 2002, was the animal merely commenting on your performance in the film Breast Men? (3)
Your music has appeared in such renowned films as All Over the Guy, Mumford, Hope Floats and Minor League II. Do producers of good films ever call you? (2)
Was it a highlight of your career when you appeared in Penn & Teller's Sin City Spectacular? (7)
Fact is, decades ago when Lovett first appeared on the Austin country scene, his shows were a chance for the rural folk to get all fancied up in tuxedos and cocktail dresses and play urbanite for an evening. Although decidedly singular, Lovett's music has always carried with it an air of arrogance, as if his tongue-in-cheek observations were literary masterpieces, almost as if he were playing the country portion of his audience for chumps. Sadly, aside from Pontiac, his sophomore effort from 1987, and The Road to Ensenada in 1997, Lovett hasn't made records as much as hip collections of fodder for VH-1 and NPR. He continues to look debonair, but there is little difference between Lovett's work as an actor and a singer. He plays his role, and he doesn't do interviews.
