If you don't dabble in Pinterest, consider yourself blissfully ignorant. But, let's say you're going to a party and need ideas on how to jazz up your eggnog. Pinterest probably has lots of suggestions. See, you get "boards" that are based on topics and you "pin" things you like to those boards. Then, people can follow your boards and vice versa. I think. Or, you can just look at stuff. Forever.
The boards and pins come at you fast. As you peruse the site, that draft you just felt is underachievement wafting in the room. The warm cloak of self-confidence you worked hard to harness over your strong shoulders gets yanked off. Awash in a time portal, hours are wasted while you chase rabbits in a fog. You'll spend the rest of the day trying to figure out why you don't eat more quinoa, where burlap crafts have been all your life and contemplate how to dig up a grand for a new camera that will properly capture the essence of sea salt, rather, fluer de sel de Camargue, atop your adorable caramel shortbread cookies.
Oh, and if you have an Elf on the Shelf and have only been moving him from one actual shelf to another, you just might consider calling child protective services on yourself. Because you suck. Here are 20 reasons why. And, this is just the tip o' the iceberg.
1. You don't eat quinoa daily.
2. You just make cookies, you don't "plate" them in natural lighting with whimsical details blurred in the background.
3. You have no idea what "fondant" is. (Seriously?)
4. You don't package your homemade cookies in cellophane and bows.
5. You don't know how to adjust the shutter speed on your camera to capture the melted goo of a chocolate chunk cookie and blur everything else out.
6. When used as background, your house doesn't resemble an Ikea catalog spread.
7. You make just regular brownies. Those below are the new brownies.
8. You still haven't figured out how to use designer fonts to put your name at the bottom right corner of your food photos.
9. When your school-aged children make crafts, every single glittery pine-cone Christmas tree looks like a train wreck and your kids actually throw the pine-cones at you until you turn SpongeBob back on. They need more quinoa.
10. You haven't pinned anything in a week. 11. You don't know how to properly use designer cake tips for perfect billowy anything.
12. You simply cook food and expect your kids to eat it. You need to make the food interesting with things like "weenie man" or sticking dried spaghetti through hotdogs chunks for "weenie squids."
13. You think this list is based on my own insecurities. I've started a board for that. Pinning to resume shortly.
14. You think you have enough decorative items on your dinner table: vases, grand serving plates, birds' nests, cornucopias, etc. You have nowhere near enough. More is more.
15. You have never once in your life made your own place-card holders.
16. There's nary a dried branch that you plucked from the woods anywhere in your house.
17. You have a day job. (This is solely a reference to the life-sucking time portal that is Pintrest, not a reflection on anyone's ability to get a job.)
18. You never use food to create structures other than to see how many Oreos you can stack before they all fall over. There are pages of what a real stacks of cookies looks like (see photo at top).
19. Ryan Gossling. Well, OK. There is a rather impressive Ryan Gossling collection. He's all like, "Hey, Girl. Pin me."
20. For birthdays, you use an old-school rectangular cake pan and slather it with plain chocolate icing. If the cake tears, you cover the spot with more icing. For the love of all that is holy, stop embarrassing yourself.
