Recently, I heard rumors of a restaurant named Burger Island. The name brought to mind images of a land far, far away where everything's made of burger parts: The trees are burger trees that grow half-pound burgers year-round, there's a ketchup river and a field made of French fries, and the island itself is a giant burger bun. I prayed to Will Smith that their website would live up to the name. (Will Smith is God in my head. I don't believe that he's God God. He just plays the part of God in my brain because Beardo Sandaled White Guy God is always so super busy he doesn't have time for my silly burger prayers. And I wouldn't expect him to—seriously. There's more important prayers like "Please let this puppy's chlamydia go away" that BSWGG should be working on.)
The Burger Island website claims, "Our oversized signature half pound Island Burgers are sure to satisfy ANY burger crave." ANY burger crave?? Even if I burger crave huge? I must discover out!
I arrived at Burger Island and was shocked. I'm just gonna rip this Band-Aid off for you: It's not a fuckin' island. What the balls?! So then, I thought, "Well, maybe there's a portal to the island once you get inside." And there totally was. In an instant, I was transported to a gloriously candy-painted restaurant where every gimongo burger bun is loaded with a half pound of Angus beef, unless you go for the double (high fives and cholesterol to anyone who finishes that entire meet-your-maker sandwich). Here on Burger Island, they have burgers with names like The Big Island (sautéed onions, mushrooms, jalapeños, cheese, mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato and pickles for $5.25) and The Double Jungle Burger (one pound of meat, bacon, sautéed onions, mushrooms, jalapeños, bell peppers, cheese, mayo, ketchup, hickory sauce, mustard, lettuce, tomato and pickles for $7.65).
I attempted to cut my Big Island burger in half with a plastic knife and the burger was so pissed at me for being a pussy that it broke. The knife. In half. So, I nutted up and ate the whole thing. It was so ridiculously good, even my arteries were like, "Thaaaat was totally worth it."
