Every week, I will watch Top Chef. I will not recap the episodes scene-by scene, because that is dumb: if you wanted to watch it, you watched it already and you don't need me to tell you that there were opening credits, chefs got sweaty, and someone yelled "fuck" at food. If you want that kind of recap, I'm sure Wikipedia or DSideDish can hook you up. This will be much more serious journalism.
PADMA'S BOOBS ARE BACK!!! Wednesday's premiere of Top Chef brought back Padma's weird pronunciation of "Fud & Wine Festival," Tom Colicchio's bald-eagleness, and Awesomeass Unibrow Guy Hugh Acheson, and raised us Emeril Lagasse and Wolfgang Puck.
Three Dallas chefs are contestants this season: The John Tesar, The Joshua Valentine and The Danyele McPherson. It is your job as a Dallas person to watch this show and cheer for the Dallas chefs. Because they are badasses, and every one of them deserves to go to the Fud & Wine Festival.
We quickly learned that this season on Top Chef, there will be tons of motherfuckin' chefs crossing their motherfuckin' arms and not smiling. Welcome to the chef gun show, ladies.
John Tesar talks about how D Magazine says everyone in Dallas hates him the most. Well, you know what, Johnny? That's exactly the kind of shit that's gonna make you perfect for reality TV. I hope each episode has footage of you exploding on people, and then I hope you rename your restaurant "Explode You" and I hope you make millions of dollars off of exploding on people while serving them seasonal vegetables. I'm sure they'll make you'll cry on TV. I hope you win.
Tesar Top Chef Drinking Game: Every time he throws his hands in the air, hits something, or cries, you drink.
Minutes into the premiere, it was obvious that there would be an epic battle of the handlebar mustaches.
Joshua Valentine 'Stache beat Other Guy 'Stache in one episode. Other Guy 'Stache didn't even make it to the real judges' table. Tom Colicchio cut him and was totally thinking, "Your mustache sucks compared to Dallas' Joshua Valentine's mustache. Get out of my hot, hot face." Looks like Joshua Valentine will be this season's sound-bite king. So far, the season teasers have him saying stuff like, "Last time I checked, only one person wins Top Chef," and (to Tesar, probably after being made to hang out with Tesar for 148 hours straight) "I will lecture you, you condescending prick, there's a reason you're the most hated chef." I hate it when Mom and Dad fight. I hope you win, Joshua Valentine.
Valentine Top Chef Drinking Game: Every time he says something that could immediately be put on a Top Chef T-shirt, drink.
Near the end of the episode, they finally let Danyele McPherson be on TV. And then, some Gina chick called Danyele out for lighting some tomatoes on fire. I'd be more mad about it, but Gina got sent home almost immediately for making a shitty salad.
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When Gina got kicked off, she said, "I'm not just a nutritionist, I'm a movement." Yeah. A bowel movement. Get out of the way of my Dallas peeps, lady. Long live The Ginger. Danyele, kick some ass out there. I hope you win.
McPherson Top Chef Drinking Game: Every time McPherson smiles, but you know she's really thinking, "Fuck you, Gina," drink.