At the Dallas Bicycle Cafe, the Cheap Bastard is a Sweaty Bastard, and a Happy One, Too

Sweaty camel-toe count: 32 People post-workout high-fiving count: 5

On Northwest Highway, right next to Bicycle Works, a bicycle café called Bicycle Café (7510 East Northwest Highway) recently opened. When you walk inside and see all the bicyclephernalia on the walls and all the people still wearing their helmets while drinking light beers and talking about "bonking" without at all meaning sexing someone up, you'll say to yourself, "Oh, this is clearly a café for people who ride bikes."

Dallas Bicycle Café is a land where everyfuckingone acts like it's totally normal to eat with sweating balls while wearing spandex everything. There's a bike rack out front. There are bike handlebars mounted on the walls like deer heads. The café even has lockers and a bicycle storage program. (Store your bike and your bike crap at the café for $40 a month. Price includes four beers or coffees per month. Note: If you use these free drinks on coffee, you lose at life.) Pretty sure I'm the only person here who fills her CamelBak with Lone Star.

But even if you don't ride a bike, this can still be a great place to get a pre- or post-workout meal. The menu here is super healthy. Among a million other healthy options, see: quinoa bowl, steel-cut oatmeal, hummus plate, acai berry bowl, grilled tofu tacos. (They do serve bacon, so you don't have to be completely freaked out right now). The café's website says that's because they "serve athletes." So, whether you're a runner, a cyclist, a porn star who just pulled a double (without stretching), a mom who's spent the last four hours trying not to punch her dickhead tween in the junks -- no matter what kind of athlete you are, Dallas Bicycle Café has a meal that will help fuel your day.

I ordered the couscous bowl (grilled chicken, tilapia or tofu with cucumbers, carrots, spinach and cilantro pesto vinaigrette dressing) with tilapia to help me recover from a pretty hardcore trying-to-like-Mad Men-when-that-show-is-the-shitty-balls training session. It was more salad than couscous, but I liked it. A lot. I ate it three times in three weeks.

This place is going to ruin my Food Iron Man training (2-mile whiskey swim, 100-mile bacon-doughnut ride, 26-mile beer run).

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