Beers Under 8 Percent ABV Are a Waste of Time

Is this what you want? Really?
Is this what you want? Really?

Recently, my esteemed colleague wrote about the lack of available and palatable session beers, those beers that can be drunk during a long hot summer's day. Do you know what I say? The lack of session beers is simply a sign that we're all going in the right direction.

I don't want to drink for an entire day, and neither should you. We all have things we need to be getting on with. I want to finish doing those things, and then with the remainder of my day get absolutely hammered with laser-like precision. By the end of this article you will consider me to be your personal alcoholic savior. You're welcome.

See also: Jester King's Petit Prince Farm House Ale: Finally, a Real Session Beer

Now, I know what you're going to say. You don't just drink a beer to get drunk. You like the taste. Well, me too buddy. Otherwise I wouldn't be drinking it. What I'm saying to that is that to sample the same taste over and over for hours on end shows a real lack of adventure. With my beers-over-8-percent-only plan, you won't be able to last more than a couple of hours anyway, and you'll be far more likely to start making really adventurous food as a result.

The other thing is all that liquid! You've no doubt been to a festival and drunk so much 5 percent ABV beer that you could hardly move, because it's all sloshing around inside you. What I'm suggesting is that we streamline this entire operation. One 9 percent beer equals two 4.5 percent beers, so for the same amount of alcohol intake you've halved your liquids intake. This is a very simple victory. You'll be able to move around more, you'll have to pee less, chugging will become a real adventure, and you'll be so drunk by the time the headline act comes around you'll be able to do whatever you like with no real consequences. Remember, you can always say "I was drunk." Works every time. Also, you only have to buy half as much beer. SAVINGS.

See also: Building Dallas' Best Beer Float, with Help from Lakewood Temptress

Have you seen how many calories are in a beer? It's all the calories. ALL OF THEM. Every single beer you drink is like an open invitation to your waistline to take on new, terrifying dimensions. While the main source of calories in beer is the alcohol, it's not all of them. There are other considerations too. Thus, while not saving a massive amount of calories, you are in fact saving some. And that's enough. Another victory for the cunning drunkard.

To summarize, drinking a beer strong enough to possibly be considered a wine will save you time, money, discomfort, and calories. You know where the beer is "all-day session beer?" Oklahoma. That's where. The prosecution rests.

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