Do you like wreaths? Of course you do. Do you like meats? OF COURSE YOU DO WOULD YOU LIKE A MEAT WREATH OF COURSE YOU WOULD BUY ELEVENTY!!
"What is a meat wreath?" you ask (for what reason, I don't know. I should have had you at "meat wreath"). According to Zoli's Facebook page, it is not what you call five naked men lying down on the grass in an "O" shape, but is, in fact, a "Christmas stromboli wreath, gloriously stuffed with mozzarella cheese, pepperoni, proscuitto cotto, Genoa salami, and Luscher's sausage."
The Meat Wreath will be available to you on December 24 only, just in time for Meatmas. And it's the perfect Meatmas Eve dinner. You must order no later than 12 p.m. on Wednesday, December 24, for pickup at 5 p.m., by calling 214-942-9654.
Would you like to see Lee Hunzinger, Zoli's badass chef dude, stuffing a meat wreath? The thousand views it already has says to me that you'd probably like to view this (I'm betting only half of those were people searching for naked dude stuff). SO VIEW:
While your brain catches up with your eyes and it sinks in that this is your new reality, read my interview with Jay Jerrier, owner of Zoli's. I asked him a few more important questions about this meat wreath because I'm a serious journalist. And now, my serious and important hard-hitting journalisty findings:
Fine. Talk to me more about the Meat Wreath. Jerrier: Did you watch the video with the haunting melody? We stuff a stromboli with all of the meats and then bake it into a festive wreath. It's like a King Cake except everyone wins.
If North Korea doesn't approve, what will you do? Will you stop serving it? (This is on the record.) Jerrier: Pfft ... this is America. Kim Jong Un can't touch us. We're not little babies like Sony. You need to order by 12 p.m. Christmas Eve for pickup by 5 p.m. We're open Christmas Eve but not Christmas Day. Heats up perfectly in your regular oven.
Is there a veggie option? Jerrier: Oh, so that one WOULD be for Kim Jong Un? Yeah we could prolly do that.
And how many Santas does that feed? Jerrier: 8-10.
You said it's $45. Is that with or without jalapeno ranch? Jerrier: No charge for that.
You heard it here first: ORDER A GALLON OF JALAPENO RANCH ERRY TIME. How much can Lee bench? Jerrier: 220, 221... whatever it takes.
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Will you take my Groupon? Jerrier: That would be letting the terrorists win. Though we do have Fairview people ask if we will honor their Purple Cow gift cards for hamburgers.
You do make a top 5 hamburger.
So, to recap: The Meat Wreath. December 24 only. Order no later than 12 p.m. on Wednesday, December 24, for pickup at 5 p.m. Call: 214-942-9654. Veggie option available. Feeds 8-10 Santas. $45 each. Ask for a gallon of free jalapeno ranch. Don't forget to high-five Hunzinger for his meat-stuffing skills on the way out. I heard he's the greatest meat-stuffer in town. And this is a big town, y'all.
Meaty holidays to you all.