Remember back when BuzzFeed was cool? Right before they published their article about the 16 Cereals That Should Be Obliterated at 11:22 a.m. on March 21? Right before that very minute, they were pretty funny on most days.
But, a dark scornful cloud has enveloped the space over BuzzFeed Central.
I get the pressure though. I understand how this happens. See, we live in a list-sicle media world, where there's a lot of pressure to come up with the top 10 best or worst (hyperbole is key) of anything. But, just like anything else, your work must have integrity, like, the list I did on the eight best fluffernutter sandwiches on national fluffernutter day. I meant it.
But, when you make a list of 16 Cereals That Should Be Obliterated and you include Cookie Crisp, something has gone afoul in your soul. Suggesting that Cookie Crisp should die is like seeing cute baby ducks crossing the road and flooring it.
And Apple Jacks? My chest is tight. You want Apple Jacks to die because you don't like the pink milk? Was Cruella de Vil your mother and do you make jackets out of puppies when you're not producing awful lists? Pink milk is a bonus.
Cap'n Crunch hurts the roof of your mouth? Pansy. If you can't handle a little roof scratch, then grab your purse and get off the boat. Some of the best mornings of my life have been hunched over a bowl of Cap'n Crunch.
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Cream of Wheat? First of all, Cream of Wheat doesn't belong on the same list and, if done right, is wonderful. Oh, this is just beginning to feel like a useless intervention.
Now, some cereals, like Grape-Nuts, simply serve a nutritional purpose. Like getting carrots instead of mac-and-cheese as a side. Sometimes it's a matter of making better choices. Like a better choice for the authors of this list would be to stay away from lists about cereal.
Now, you may not know this, but I invented a celebration for cereal called "Birthday Cereal." It's real simple: When it's your birthday, you pick whatever cereal you want. We have a rather large-ish family here at the house and try to limit the bowls of sugar we ingest on a regular basis, so this works out perfect by allowing us to indulge on occasion. We love our Birthday Cereal. It creates more excitement than birthday cake.
I just don't get all the hostility thrown at cereals, BuzzFeed. Your words hurt. And I realize I'm just falling into their trap -- they lured me in with their bait and I took it. That's fine. But, next time, keep Cookie Crisp out of it.