It's summer. It's hot. If you must be outside, you should be hydrating. And by "hydrating," I mean "drinking beers." If you've lived through any summers at all in Dallas, you know that all that mandatory hydration can get expensive if you've got yourself a craft beer habit. For this reason, I implore you to save yourself some money and buy some shitty beer. You're going to sweat it out in five seconds anyway. Here are five shitty beer suggestions to help you beat this summer heat:
Miller High Life This fancy Andrew Knowlton guy at Bon Appetit likes him some Miller High Life. He says you should try a six-pack of that. I agree. It's wonderful in your face on a hot Texas porch. But, let's not forget -- Miller High Life is the Champagne of beers. Which is basically saying it's the fanciest of the shitty beers. You can go much, much shittier.
Budweiser The can is pretty. The beer is shitty. And cheap-ish. And nobody has an annoying name for it, like "Natty Lite."
Miller Lite After nine months of pregnancy-induced sobriety, I recently had a Miller Lite. And it was fucking amazing. What made me choose a Miller Lite as my back-in-the-game beer? Safety. It wasn't the only beer in my fridge at the time. In fact, we had just had hipster people over to our home the week before and they left a variety of craft beers with us when they left. Each label was more beautiful than the next. But I feared that if I took a sip of Anus Magillicutty's Super Pale Ass Pale Ale For Cool People, I might ruin my re-entry into beering. I did not, at this moment, have time for a beer fail.
So, I picked up the back-of-the-fridge cold Miller Lite. And it was the most delicious beer I've ever put in my face hole. Ever. A Miller Lite will never deliver on its advertising promises as hard as it did for me on this day, "Triple hops? YES I TASTE THAT." "First low-calorie beer to be distributed nationally? UH HUH. OK THEN, I ALSO BELIEVE THAT TO BE TRUE." It was an al pastor taco wrapped around a front-hug from Boobs God. It was fantasy-good. Thank you, Miller Lite, for being so good to me upon reintroduction to beering.
Pabst Blue Ribbon This beer is cheap. It's watery. It would be the perfect shitty beer if only it had a Texas star on the front of it.
Lone Star IT HAS A TEXAS STAR ON THE FRONT OF IT. This is the perfect shitty beer for Texas summer. It has everything: water, water, beer-type-ingredients, and a can that is red, white, blue and gold WITH A TEXAS STAR ON IT. You can't get perfectly shittier than this.
Happy summer. Don't forget to hydrate. Cheers to shitty beers.
