There’s a phrase I’d like to reserve for the future, before it's claimed: burger vacation. It should refer to the wildly enjoyable time a person takes off, removed from the company of smart electronics (and possibly other people), to bond emotionally with a double cheeseburger. While good burgers are common in America, really good double burger vacations are rare. Dallas, however, is loaded with them: The great double-cheeseburgers of Dallas are events, not unlike Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
A good burger vacation involves lots of planning: Do I seriously have to valet? What’s the maximum distance I have to walk after eating the burger? Do I have to work afterward? It’s all part of a good burger vacation.
Last week, I submitted my body to the Barley & Board double cheese, and it let me down. The following burgers will not; these are the burgers you take time off for. Submit yourself wholly to the melted cheese tranquility and mental therapy of these luxurious double cheeseburgers:
1. East Hampton Sandwich Co.: The Hickory Bacon Burger
Comes with: Fried razor onions, sharp cheddar, roasted jalapeños and “Beachwood hickory sauce”
Angry moans. That’s an adequate summary of my last trip to East Hampton Sandwich Co., which, annoyingly, can’t seem to miss. I was angry moaning (How does EHS so often not suck?) because of the new hickory bacon burger, which has a handful of very crispy fried onions to exfoliate your mind. Barbecue sauce is the right kind of sweet, not overwhelming, and those roasted jalapeños punch through with just enough tangy-peppery acid. A seeded bun brings it home. Not provided: Microfiber terry cloth robe.
6912 Snider Plaza and other locations
2. Mutt’s Cantina: Double Mutt’s Burger
Comes with: Lettuce, tomato, pickle, slices of American cheese, “bow wow sauce”
Mutt’s Cantina is underrated as a simple, beautiful, under-$10 burger destination. Maybe it’s the roving pets. It’s one of the best places to eat a burger while animals stare at you, possibly judging. Shouted with a mouth full of burger: "Stop looking at me, dog!!" Turn the volume down on your mind with the double mutt's, which will set you back only eight bucks. It’s smartly simple, full of texture and loaded with slices of American cheese and a creamy sauce.
2889 Cityplace W. Blvd.
3. Luscher’s Red Hots: The Uncle Herky
Comes with: House-made mayo, house mustard, grilled onions, American cheese, evil
First thing to do: Add bacon. You’re on vacation, remember? This now famous double burger has the science down so precisely (patties are cooked with a touch of pink; the bun is pillow-soft), that it’s very possible a satanic deal has been made. Take an extra day off after. Recent studies have shown the Herky causes euphoric, lucid dreams for 2-3 days.
2653 Commerce St.
4. Wingfield’s Breakfast and Burger: Double (or beyond) Meat Cheeseburger
Comes with: red onion, lettuce, tomato, big slices of cheese
Stand back: It looks like the leaning tower of Pisa done up in meat. Thick, juicy patties are the star of this double burger. Get a triple if you haven’t scheduled anything else for the next 5-7 days. Talking afterward is ill-advised.
2615 S. Beckley Ave.
5. Uncle Uber’s Sammich Shop: Double Burger with Cheese
Comes with: Lettuce, tomato, red onion, pickle and addictive “Uber sauce.” You may want to add blue cheese.
Another affordable burger vacation, Uncle Uber’s is nailing it on a comfort level. Sure, you can skimp on the single 1/4-lb. patty, but you’ll go to bed anxious and glassy-eyed. “Why didn’t I do the double?" you’ll say, staring at a photo of a burger on your nightstand. It’s that damn Uber sauce, which I may or may not have ordered for my fries too. All-in-all, this burger is, I’d argue, a better burger stay than Angry Dog's.
2713 Commerce St.
6. K.T. Burger: Double Meat burger
Comes with: lettuce, tomato, pickle and white onion, mustard
Construction is what makes the double at K.T. Burger, a spinoff of Katy Trail Ice House. Also the bun proportion, which favors the meat more than cottony bread. Also the simple, chopped lettuce and sharp yellow mustard. ... OK, maybe the whole damn cheeseburger makes the burger. It’s another under eight-dollar option, which you can round up by adding the rich and hearty venison chili.
32 Highland Park Village
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7. Off-Site Kitchen: Double Delux
Comes with: bacon, double the American cheese, shredded lettuce
This is the burger you ditch family for over the holidays. Do the “gotta run out to grab more beer” and take a wander into this expert burger experience. Tranquil solitude is needed for this one: It can get messy with beautiful juice and melted cheese. Wait, how long have you been there? Did a new sun and moon come up? Text your family: “Be right there LOL traffic.”
331 Singleton Blvd. #100
8. Keller’s Drive-In (The Original): Double Cheese
Comes with: white onion disc, seeded bun, yellow mustard, tomato, American cheese
There is no burger vacation list that would be complete without notching the car seat back in Keller’s Drive-In with a double cheese and tater tots. It’s a perfect experience: A disc of white onion enriches you with nostalgia (for those burgers you cooked at home), and thin patties are stacked and steaming hot. And no American burger trip would be right without American cheese. Enjoy your burger vacation.
6537 E. Northwest Highway