Dispatch from the Bacon and Eggs Competition at the State Fair of Texas
Pear and bacon pancakes.
The fried food at the State Fair of Texas gets a ton of attention. And, that's great-- because everyone knows that from fried peaches to fried chocolate-covered-strawberry waffle balls, our fair's fried food is badass. It's rititulous.
But, today, inside the Creative Arts building, shit got real. I could feel it in the air as soon as I opened the door to the place: Grammas were preparing for battle. Nana, Me Maw, Gram Gram-- they were all there, menacingly holding their casserole dishes and ready to strike down any judge who would have the balls to deem their food, "Meh."
This is the Bacon and Eggs competition at the State Fair of Texas, folks. This, right here, is a grandmotherfucking tradition.
The Creative Arts building hosts over 1,100 categories of competition including quilting, photography, crafts, and of course, food. While I was judging the six entries in the "bacon entree" category of the bacon and eggs competition, I heard that this year's pie contest had 233 entries. There were 58 pies in one of the pie categories, which means some lucky judge bastard got to taste 58 pies in one sitting. Wish I could've been a relief judge when someone tapped out. Pretty sure judging Texas state fair food competitions is the gateway drug to competitive eating.
Another popular food competition appears to be the canning competition. Check out this wall of winners.
If these are all winners, how many entries do you think the judges saw? (I'm guessing nine buhmillion.)
Pro tip: If your name is Neva, you are likely to win a ribbon for your canning skillz. (It's just one of those talents that you automatically get when you're named certain names. Like, being named Einstein makes you into someone super smart. Being someone named Hulk Hogan immediately means you get a lifetime of combing a shitty wig, and picking leftovers of your dignity out of your Fu Manchu while everyone laughs at your gross sex tapes.)
"Neva cans the shit out of some pears, y'all." - Everyone.
Another Neva wins again. Duh.
The bacon and eggs contest is six categories in total. Three categories for bacon: bacon appetizer, bacon entree and bacon dessert.
Then, three more categories for eggs: egg appetizer, egg entree, egg dessert.
Sounds awesome, right? But, participation is extremely low. There were only six entries in the bacon entree competition (versus the pie competition's 58 entries). So, here's my question: WHERE YOU AT, Y'ALL? I know you can fry the shit out of some bacon. And while there were delicious options to judge at this event, including the kickass bacon quiche that won first place, there were no bacon steaks (to be eaten with bacon forks). Where was the chocolate-covered-bacon bunny, dessert competitors?
I don't know why you guys didn't participate this year, but this dude took your ribbons.
And these nice ladies laughed their faces off as they took your ribbons.
Maybe compete next year, you guys. Our great State Fair of Texas needs. More. Bacons.
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