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Five Dallas Dives Guy Fieri Should (Not) Visit

Guy marked his territory at Maple and Motor in 2012.
Guy marked his territory at Maple and Motor in 2012.
Naomi Vaughn

Everyone's favorite backwards-sunglasses and flaming-shirt enthusiast Guy Fieri revisits DFW this week, sort of, with an hour-long rehash of former Diner, Drive-Ins and Dives episodes that he's calling "The Legends of Texas" tour, airing all week. As we wrote about in 2012, this means some people's favorite restaurants, including Cane Rosso, are about to be crushed.

In the spirit of Guy's visit to our fair city, we decided to give Guy a few new suggestions for some future Dallas-focused episodes. Then we decided, Screw that. But we'd already written our tip sheet so we just redacted the important details so Fieri can never find them and can never ruin them, too.

[Name and address redacted], Dallas, Texas, 75231 If Guy actually paid attention to the title of his show, he'd probably be visiting more places like this one. It might be a good idea if Fieri did show up, simply because the actual legitimate bikers might kick his ass, but no one deserves to have to deal with him. Fortunately, the seasoned waitresses at this treasured Dallas institution could probably handle him on their own if Fieri tried to stare at their boobs or make any tired sexual innuendo about the milkshakes on the menu, which he's infamous for.

[Name and address redacted], Dallas, Texas, 75208 This little shack is the kind of place that would look perfect for a Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives opening sequence, complete with Fieri's '67 Camaro out in front. The lines here are already way too damn long, and his presence will just make things worse. And it might upset the elotes man, who's already working feverishly in this wretched heat, and he deserves better. As a matter of fact, just stay away from this awesome neighborhood, which is attracting plenty of national attention on its own, altogether.

[Name and address redacted], Richardson, Texas, 75042 People think that Dallas is a boring and bland city, and if you just go to the same burger and pizza joints over and over like Fieri, you might agree. But you'd be missing out on a rich and diverse culinary history that, in the case of this awesome restaurant, dates all the way back to 1982. Fieri tends to seek out large piles of gut-bombing carbs and meats instead of actually looking for a city's authentic ethnic cuisines, so he'll probably miss this cult-favorite Chinese restaurant. His loss.

[Name and address redacted], Dallas, Texas, 75218 This would actually fit the traditional definition of a diner, which is exactly why Guy should not ruin it for the rest of us. The service is fast, the setting is old-school, and there's no need for any of Guy's superlative drooling over the homestyle food. If he asks you, tell him that this place is terrible and the bus to Flavortown should head to Denny's or absolutely anywhere else.

The Olive Garden], everywhere, America This place, Guy. This one we'll tell you about. You can film every future episode of Diners, Drive-ins & Dives at any of our area Olive Gardens, and go on and on about how "money" those breadsticks are, and their "gangsta" shrimp alfredo without anyone bothering you and your pursuit of mediocrity. Go anywhere else, especially any of our city's good, cheap restaurants, and I'm kicking your ass.


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